


Never Not

by jaera



Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: 00z, 10k each, Angst and Feels, Daehwi is a 00 liner collector, Deephwi, Domestic Fluff, Ending is still unknown, Fluff and Angst, I'm not done with the ending, Lee Daehwi-centric, M/M, Multi, The Author Regrets Everything, YongBae, bear with me, donut hate me for real, fastburn everything HAHA, insecure jinyoung, jinhwi, long chapters, slowburn ch 1
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-12
Updated: 2019-10-27
Packaged: 2020-12-09 18:17:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 35,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20999213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaera/pseuds/jaera
Summary: Daehwi doesn't believe in nevers, but if there's one never he'd have, it would only be:Jinyoung will nevernotbe for him.





	1. Remember

**Author's Note:**

> Henlo, I am back with a long ass JinHwi story HUEHUE  
WITH A LAUV THEME! WOOHOO  
This will have four chapters with at least 10k words each. I initially wanted to divide them into more chapters but then I actually don't have enough time to proofread and post them on various dates (since I have a lot coming up for the next few months) so might as well just do it this way.
> 
> Out of all the stories I ever wrote, I feel like this is the most special one because it's inspired & based on a real life story. I wouldn't say that all events that will happen here actually did happen in real but as I've said, it was only 'inspired'.  
I hope y'all enjoy it though 'cos I enjoyed writing it too huekhuek  
The next chapters will come in the net few weeks so look out for it!
> 
> I hope there are still JinHwi stans out there :((  
JINHWI STILL WINS!  
XOXO

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daehwi will never _not_ remember him.

[Feelings](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2k5w6eTxGXk) \- Lauv

* * *

**Never Not _Remember_**

Hello  
Is this Hwi?  
**9:35**

Lee Daehwi?  
**9:40**

Daehwi’s eyebrows scrunch, eyeing the unknown number showing on his phone screen, trying to recall even the faintest trace of remembrance.

But nothing comes up. Just a blank slate.

He contemplates ignoring it, reckoning it must be just another spam message. Yet he stares at the nickname, the very familiar nickname which he hadn’t seen nor heard in a while, and a bothering thought suddenly cripples from the back of his mind.

A name which he hadn’t thought of in a while suddenly comes up to the surface of his consciousness.

_For as long as I live, I will never not remember._

And he gets compelled to respond.

-

“I’ll just call you when I finish class, yeah?”

Daehwi stops for a moment, one foot forward when he hears someone on the phone. On instinct, he unconsciously looks over the source of the sound and is greeted by a tall, tanned lanky man slouched over on one of the pillars of the corridor, donning a simple violet tee matched with black ripped jeans and body bag.

_Small face. Very small. _

The male stands straight and keeps his phone in his pocket when he catches sight of a passerby, and as the passerby himself, for some unknown reason, Daehwi finds himself nodding.

Nodding for whatever goddamn reason his messed up brain has – if he has any left that is.

A tad too low even if he notes, and he almost questions himself of why he took a class at an ungodly hour of seven in the morning and risk his mental health and wellbeing. Albeit, a curt nod and a small smile from the male is what helps him justify his actions and common manners – something you can see ever so rarely nowadays.

And while it _is_ a new sight, it doesn’t justify why he’s in a rush to enter his classroom though, to sit beside Seonho, or of why he’s suddenly feeling reserved.

“That is a one hot mess right there.”

First day of university and the first time after months of vacation and his good friend, Yoo Seonho, greets him with his usual vulgar musings.

“One hot mess, I tell you.”

Daehwi raises an eyebrow and follows his friend’s line of sight only to have his eyes widen, seeing the same man he saw not a few minutes ago in the corridor.

_Small face is my classmate—_

“I’d tap that at any time of the day, really.”

Daehwi just squints his eyes, unamused. “Seonho… dear, I can tolerate you and your vulgar mouth but that is just too much. TMI, please.”

“It’s true though. I mean, it’s obvious that I’m not the only one who feels that way anyway.”

Daehwi purses his lips, eyeing the unsuspecting stranger who, for some reason, is completely oblivious to the stares he’d been receiving since he entered the room. If one would ask Daehwi, after checking out the male prior and after entering the room (yes, he admits that he _did_ check him out), he’d give him a 7/10 – a little above average just because his face would probably be the smallest face Daehwi had ever seen in his twenty years of living (which is saying a lot since Daehwi’s face is comparably small too). And while he may not necessarily find it attractive, he isn’t going to disparage it either, being a citizen of South Korea where having a small face is a plus.

And the male’s face isn’t just small – it’s absurdly small that it’s really inevitable to notice.

Not to mention his smile from earlier, despite being so simple and casual, done without any effort, Daehwi couldn’t deny that it looked pretty.

Rather, it made him _feel _pretty.

_A plus, plus. _

But of course, he knows better than to let Seonho in on the secret.

“Not me though,” Daehwi tells Seonho, who gives him his signature stern look, which on normal circumstances would look annoying to Daehwi, but only looks extra now. He peers over at small faced human’s side again but instead, moves his line of sight to the student seated right next to him.

Tall but with a slim body, clad in a classic cardigan and jeans. Not to mention, a face that is akin to a cherub, he eyes the male up and down and bites his lips.

Now that’s what Daehwi would call a hot mess.

“That tall dude? Yeah well, I guess he’s nice too.” Seonho disrupts his train of thoughts, a grin playing on his lips. “But not as tappable as Mr. purple.”

“Seonho, you just turned twenty. You haven’t even tapped anybody.”

“And you did?”

“I didn’t say anything.” Daehwi retorts, looking at everywhere but Seonho. He coughs and adds, “And I’m not even looking for someone?”

“Sure, you’re not.” Seonho shrugs but Daehwi can perfectly sense the air of skepticism he holds. “That’s what they all say anyway.”

Daehwi opens his mouth to counter, to tell his good friend that he went to university to study and not _tap_ anybody, but the arrival of their professor halts him from proving a point (a very substantial point, at that). Dropping his case, he unconsciously tries to peek at Mr. Cardigan again out of his unfed curiosity, but instead of seeing a blue cardigan, another pair of brown eyes enters his line of vision.

The same big, bright, curious eyes which he first saw that morning; the same jelly like pink lips molded into a small smile which said a whole lot more than just a mere simple greeting.

Daehwi bites his lips upon realization and he instantly turns to face the front again, hands folding to fists and ducking his head for good measure.

-

_Seonho _ _is a traitor. Seonho is a traitor. Seonho is a traitor._

There’s only one sentence that has been circulating Daehwi’s mind like an unending cycle since he woke up this morning to a phone call from none other than the person himself, Yoo Seonho.

_“Hyung!”_

_“Oh wow, you still remember me?” Daehwi snorts. “What do you want?”_

_“You’re still as bitter as before, I see.” Seonho comments but Daehwi isn’t about to entertain his mockery so the male continues and declares, “I got myself a boyfriend!”_

A month into the semester and Daehwi finds himself becoming more and more in need of sugar – to rake up his little to non-existent weight and to loosen up his bitterness about his unluckiness. If Daehwi’s being honest, he isn’t really looking for a boyfriend or prospect, but a part of him just feels envious of how fast Seonho was able to adjust. It isn’t a wonder though since Seonho has always been very social and it’s very easy to fall for his charms.

Very much unlike Daehwi whom falling in love with is harder than any calculus equation there is.

And the only one who he thought he could depend on to help him survive university is gone – away and happily in love. He should be happy for Seonho, even though he’s practically hiber_dating_ as Daehwi speaks, but he won’t deny the fact that he feels like he’s been robbed of his only salvation to college insanity.

Then again, it isn’t so bad if Daehwi thinks about it more. He’s seated by himself in one of the corners of the library, a single book and pen clattered in front of him – open but untouched. And on any unsuspecting stranger, the scene of a lone university student in a library would look so mundane that it would make them cry, yet Daehwi begs to differ.

Not when a hot mess is right in front of him, head ducked down on a desk before Daehwi’s, hidden by a thick encyclopedia which he’s using as a cover to cut class and sleep.

_Bomin._

Daehwi isn’t really a fan of slackers and bad boys, people who use the library to increase their vigor rather than their aptitude (as if Daehwi himself isn’t one), but he has to admit that Bomin, amongst many, can definitely be an eye candy.

And if he helps Daehwi to ease off of his bitterness in life, then who is he to judge?

“So I assume that my hunch is correct, that _you_, Lee Daehwi, has the hots for that dude, Bomin.”

Daehwi blinks his eyes once, twice – _thrice_ even – before realizing that another human has already took the seat beside his. _Small face._ “Huh, what…” he mumbles and turns to his side, only for the crunches of his brows to return to their fixed place.

“Bae Jinyoung.”

“Yeah?” The male tilts his head with a smile – that same blithe smile he wore the first day – but without taking his eyes and hands on his newfound interest: Daehwi’s bag. “What’s up?”

“What are you doing?”

“Organizing your bag?” Jinyoung answers sarcastically as if Daehwi just asked the dumbest question there is. “You have such a lot of rubbish—“ Jinyoung doesn’t get to finish his sentence as Daehwi suddenly jerks his bag back.

“I don’t know if you’re just bored and got nothing else to do but I’d appreciate it if you don’t drag me into whatever it is you’re up to.” Daehwi smiles – artificial and uncertain – very far from Jinyoung’s. “And for the record, I don’t like Bomin. I don’t like _anybody._”

“Hey—“ before Jinyoung can even catch up though, Daehwi has already left the vicinity.

It has only been two months into the semester but Daehwi had already gotten a gist of what Bae Jinyoung really is, and if he can summarize him into just three words, it would be like this:

Everybody’s _secret_ Bae.

Everybody wants him, but _not_ everybody can have him.

Which is why a huge question mark lingers in Daehwi’s mind at the randomness of the situation. No one can blame him though, of why he’s feeling both confused and vexed. The male was known to be a recluse despite maintaining a civil association with everybody, yet he just suddenly played the part that Seonho vacated in Daehwi’s life as if they’ve known each other since 2001.

It was the first time they spoke to each other since the start of the academic year and it already turned out bad. Not _that_ bad per se, but not good either.

Very much like Daehwi’s mood the next day.

Foul and definitely ugly.

“Collect all the paper works and help me check them in the faculty.”

Daehwi inwardly grunts, rapping out cuss words in his head on how incompetent and basically useless their block’s TA is. Yet no matter how much he wanted to refuse and just scram, he really couldn’t since he’s a freshman and freshmen are basically the slaves in the university echelon.

“Yes, Jaehwan-sunbaenim—“

Not to everybody’s secret Bae though.

“Our advisor actually already asked us both to help her though.” Daehwi and their TA are greeted by Jinyoung’s usual nonchalant face. For a moment, Daehwi almost blurts out an utterly confused ‘what?’, but he notices the faintest slip of a smirk on the male’s face.

So he acknowledges it, “Yeah, I totally forgot about that! How stupid of me.” Brazenly.

“What, you already said yes—“

“Oh no, we’re already late. Ms. Kim will get mad—“ Jinyoung looks at his phone for a second before grabbing Daehwi’s wrist. “Sunbaenim, we’ll go first! Bye!”

Daehwi doesn’t get to hear his senior’s rambles nor does he even get the chance to apologize for shamelessly lying to his face. It doesn’t bother him however, since there really isn’t a need for him to do so considering that their senior was just exploiting his position.

Albeit, what bothers him is how, for some reason, he had ended up in a _gopchang_ place five minutes later without his knowledge.

Or of how from his wrist, Jinyoung is now clutching on to his hand.

“Jinyoung, your… hand…”

The male abruptly lets go. “Sorry about that… and that’s Jinyoung-hyung for you.” The male tells him plainly. For a whole minute they just stay silent by the entrance, trying to catch their breathing, but the staff disrupts the air and sends them to one of the vacant tables.

Daehwi’s still clueless as to what’s happening but he goes with the flow nonetheless.

“Thanks for saving me, by the way.”

Jinyoung just shrugs.

“What do you mean by Jinyoung-hyung though?” Daehwi starts once Jinyoung’s done placing an order for them both. “Why are we here? Why did you say that we were asked by Ms. Kim? What—“ Jinyoung laughs, putting a halt to Daehwi’s blather. On normal circumstances, he would’ve been irked, especially when Seonho does it to him, yet this time, he doesn’t feel anything – doesn’t feel the least bit annoyed.

“Calm down,” Jinyoung chuckles. “Don’t worry, I’ll answer everything, but only one at a time, okay?”

Instead, he feels guilty – ashamed of showing the ugly part of him to someone who has only shown him nothing but pretty things.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, I know everything’s confusing you—“

“I meant for yesterday.” Daehwi bites his lips and sighs. “I’m sorry for acting like a douche.”

Jinyoung looks at him for a moment before giving out his hand. “As long as we’ll be friends, then we’re all good.” Daehwi stares at his hand before noticing the familiar smile on Jinyoung’s face and with that, he immediately nods and smiles himself, taking the older’s hand to shake it.

“Friends.”

“For the record, I’m a year older than you. I just transferred schools and the units I took from my previous uni couldn’t be credited so I’m a freshman again.” Jinyoung speaks as he miraculously gets ahold of Daehwi’s bag again (even he’s unaware of how it happened).

And this time, Daehwi just lets him get away with it.

“That sucks.”

“It does, but nothing I can do anymore, eh?” Jinyoung shrugs. As soon as he’s done ‘organizing’ Daehwi’s bag, the staff brings the food to them and Jinyoung immediately starts grilling. “Second, I want to eat _gopchang_ that’s why we’re here.”

Daehwi then asks, “But how sure are you that I actually eat _gopchang_?”

“You wouldn’t have stayed if you didn’t.”

Daehwi sees a smile again and he feels himself replicating it, feels the ends of his lips unconsciously lifting. “You have a point there… but to be honest, I _love_ this.”

“Who doesn’t?”

“Seonho doesn’t.”

“Well,” Jinyoung cuts the pieces and puts one on Daehwi’s plate. “he sucks then.”

Daehwi thinks about retorting since a stranger – well, a new friend – had just dissed his best friend… but he doesn’t. _Not when that best friend ditched me for his boyfriend. _“he surely does.” He thanks Jinyoung for the piece he ate and savors the taste, feeling a lot better than before. “then what about the last one?”

Jinyoung raises an eyebrow in query before he remembers. “I thought you could use some help shutting out that creep.” Hearing this, it’s Daehwi’s turn to look inquisitive. “He’s just using his TA duties as an excuse to have you all to himself.”

Daehwi chokes. Jinyoung shakes his head.

“What are you—“

“Everybody can clearly see how that sunbae’s looking at you – as if he’s ready to attack you at any moment.” Jinyoung tells Daehwi and he instantly feels a tad chagrinned. He takes pride in being observant but knowing this now, he reckons he must’ve been overestimating himself a lot more than he should.

But he digresses. Not like knowing of that information actually matters to Daehwi since liking someone like him is definitely a _catch 22_.

“Okay, now that—ugh… I don’t even feel good knowing that he looks at me like that.”

“You’re _not_ supposed to feel good.” Jinyoung laughs at him then follows up with, “This is why you should get yourself moving towards your crush.”

“I told you, I don’t—“

“Yeah, you don’t like Bomin, but you find him _hot_.” Jinyoung squints his eyes at Daehwi. “And don’t even try to deny because I’ve seen too much to believe you.”

Daehwi looks at him, unimpressed. “I wasn’t planning to deny it anyway. True, I kind of fancy his looks, but not like I’m actually pining.”

“Still a good enough reason to hook up—“

“No hook ups.”

“—dating is what I was going to say.” Jinyoung immediately corrects and Daehwi almost laughs had the male not been so smooth with his transition. “Anyway, give me your number and I’ll send you his.”

Daehwi doesn’t think too much about it and immediately takes Jinyoung’s phone to input his number. “I didn’t know you two were close?”

“We’re not but I have his number.” Jinyoung tells him. “Just think of it as saving vital information for future needs.”

“Whatever you say—“ Daehwi stops talking as soon as he presses save on Jinyoung’s phone.

[ Incoming call: Yong ]

Daehwi freezes momentarily as he feels the phone vibrating in his hands, but he immediately gets over his dumb moment and reaches out to return the device to its owner. “Uh, you have a call...”

Jinyoung takes his phone back just as he flips the meat on the grill, but instead of answering, he just puts the device upside down on the table and proceeds to put a piece on Daehwi’s plate.

“Aren’t you going to answer that?”

“It’s okay. But you already saved your number, right?” Daehwi nods and Jinyoung follows suit. “Then I’ll just give you Bomin’s later.”

Daehwi, despite the growing curiosity in his simple mind, just nods yet again and drops his thought, opting to enjoy the food in peace.

-

What are you doing?  
**11:34**

Wdym what am I doing  
**11:38**

Im getting ready for bed  
why  
**11:38**

Come down at the lobby quick  
**11:39**

???  
**11:39**

Oh and don’t forget to wear a jacket  
it’s cold  
**11:39**

Don’t tell me u’re here again  
**11:40**

And what if I am  
**11:40**

Ugh really  
I’m already in my pajamas!  
**11:41**

Don’t worry, nobody will see you anyway :)  
**11:41**

_But you will…_

Daehwi grunts but acquiesces nonetheless. He grabs the first outerwear that he sees – a purple cardigan sprawled on top of his bag – and rushes towards the door. Although the ruckus he made doesn’t go by unnoticed by his roommate slash cousin.

“Daehwi,”

Daehwi stops by the door and cusses internally. “W-Woojin-hyung,”

“It’s almost midnight,” Woojin sits up groggily, body bundled in duvet. “Where are you going now?” He eyes Daehwi with much effort, yet even as he’s still clearly groggy, it doesn’t make things any less fretting for the younger.

Mostly because it’s the fourth time he’d been caught going out at the wee hours of the night; partly because Jinyoung’s waiting outside in the cold.

“Jinyoung-hyung’s outside so I’m just going to meet him briefly.”

“And briefly means sleeping over at his place.”

Daehwi doesn’t respond – it isn’t a question anyway.

“Be careful then.” Woojin tells him before going back to the comfort of his pillow. Daehwi doesn’t know if it’s because of drowsiness, but he sees Woojin shooing him off and he immediately grins in success. “Make sure to lock the door when you leave.”

“Goodnight, hyung!” Daehwi greets one last time before eventually leaving the room.

If Daehwi thinks about it clearly, he doesn’t really know why he’s always so anxious whenever Woojin catches him about to go out. It’s been a while since this weird dynamics that he has with Jinyoung started, of them going out at random times to meet up and just chat. Sometimes they would eat or drink. Sometimes both, but of all the times that he had went out with the male, never had he heard any worrying comment from Woojin, which is kind of weird since even though he doesn’t show it, Woojin has always been a worry wart.

Then again, it’s Jinyoung and Jinyoung, no matter how much of a recluse he is, is on good terms with everybody – Woojin included (and they’re pretty tight at that).

Maybe that’s the thing. Jinyoung’s good friends with Woojin so by default, the trust value that he has for the male is high (presumably even higher than Daehwi’s since they’re ‘bros’ like that). They literally belong in the same clique despite coming from different year levels, and knowing of such fact gives Daehwi an unsettling thought for whatever reason.

He surmises that maybe it’s how Woojin seems to trust Jinyoung more than him (which gives a bit of a hit to his ego if he’s being honest) or maybe it’s that weird feeling you get when your brother is also friends with your clique.

“Hey, what took you so long?”

Daehwi doesn’t really know. Not like it matters though since Jinyoung and Woojin became friends first and Daehwi’s just as clueless as to when and how he and Jinyoung became friends as well.

_When did we even start becoming this close?_

Daehwi stops right in front of the dorm entrance and sees Jinyoung approaching, a box of fried chicken in one hand and a plastic bag of what he assumes to be beer in the other.

“Woojin-hyung caught me again.” Daehwi tells him as he wears his cardigan. He motions to get the box of chicken from Jinyoung but the boy shakes his head and smiles, pushing him to just start walking.

“By now, Woojin-hyung should already know where you’ll be or who you’ll be with whenever you go out.” Jinyoung tells him as they start walking on the way to his dorm. “Not unless you go out with someone else too—“

“You know how Seonho’s _hiberdating_ as we speak, right?”

“You know that I’m _not_ talking about Seonho, right?”

Daehwi purses his lips at Jinyoung but the latter just playfully shrugs. Just as they arrive in his flat, Jinyoung points to the keypad and Daehwi sighs, inputting the passcode himself.

051000

Daehwi doesn’t even remember how he found out or how long has he known about Jinyoung’s passcode. It’s weird that he remembers (even though it’s just Jinyoung’s birthday) but Jinyoung doesn’t really mind even if he does.

“You are so needy, you know that.”

“What, I have my hands full.”

Daehwi and Jinyoung enter the latter’s flat as soon as they hear the beep. Daehwi immediately grabs a couple of chopsticks from Jinyoung’s cupboard whilst the latter sets up their usual place at his balcony.

Daehwi’s been to Jinyoung’s flat for how many times already that he’d now memorized the place. It isn’t hard to get used to anyway, being that it has the same exact interior as Daehwi and Woojin’s dorm room. The only thing convenient about it though, or why they would rather stay there to hang is because Jinyoung doesn’t have a roommate. There’s no real reason why – he’s just plain lucky like that.

“It’s still no fair that you get to have this whole flat all to yourself.”

“Life is never fair, Daehwi. You should know that by now.” Jinyoung chuckles. He opens the two cans that he bought and hands Daehwi one to which the latter accepts gracefully.

“So…”

“So?”

“You didn’t answer my question.”

“What question?” Daehwi smiles sheepishly. “You didn’t ask me any.”

Jinyoung just gives him a stern look. “Bomin. Choi Bomin.” He reiterates, causing for Daehwi to laugh. “So what’s the status with him?”

Daehwi takes a swig from his can of beer in an attempt to have a clearer perception of what’s really going on. Kind of improbable though since instead of actually thinking about the main matter at hand, he unconsciously focuses on his drink.

“Tastes… like a mixture of Fanta and Sprite,” Daehwi replies, swinging his drink back and forth. “No definite taste.”

Jinyoung takes a bite out of his drumstick and smirks. “Are you talking about the beer or Bomin?”

“Both?”

“I don’t even understand why or how you liked him.”

“I don’t even like him like that.” Daehwi retorts. “I already told you I just think he’s cute.”

“Okay, let’s say that Bomin’s really cute,” Jinyoung points at Daehwi accusingly. “Not to be condescending but, I’m ten folds cuter than him.” Daehwi looks at him in disbelief, waiting for Jinyoung to take it back but the latter only wiggles his pointer finger, asking him to come closer. “Why, am I wrong?” 

Daehwi rolls his eyes but follows nonetheless. He puts his can down on the coffee table in between them and looks at Jinyoung.

It’s no question that Jinyoung’s well sought out in their department. He’s famous all right, especially with a face as small as his, but now that Daehwi’s looking at him from a closer and more personal viewpoint, he gathers that the male’s face size is not the only thing worth noting from his appearance. It may not be as noticeable as his face size, but Jinyoung also has a defined nose – not as sharp as his jaws but definitely high and on point. His lips, despite being a tad small, looks ever so squishy just like a jelly and is perpetually pink (Daehwi always forces himself to believe that the male uses a lip tint even though he knows he doesn’t, since as what Jinyoung said, “_life is never fair”_). And his raven black hair is usually brushed up, but he lets it down in his raw state, almost covering his deep, hazelnut brown eyes.

_That sparkles like stars. _

“So?”

_Twinkling little stars. _

Daehwi feels hot so he immediately backs away.

This doesn’t go unnoticed by Jinyoung, of course. “See, even _you_ can’t deny it.”

“I d-didn’t even say anything.” Daehwi coughs and tries to recompose himself by taking another sip from his can. Jinyoung just snickers. “Besides, what if you really are cuter than Bomin? Your boyfriend is way cuter still.”

Jinyoung stops and blinks. “Yonghee?” Daehwi looks at him in question and Jinyoung just nods in agreement. “Yeah, well… you’re not exactly wrong.”

_“Hi, you must be Daehwi. Jinyoung told me a lot about you.”_

_Daehwi doesn’t hide the surprise in his voice when he asks, “Me?”_

_“Yeah. Aren’t you two close?”_

_Daehwi looks at the man in front of him – chestnut brown hair, big doe eyes, sharp nose, and red plump lips._

_A very pretty boy who seemed to have come out straight from a shoujo manga._

_“Y-yeah, well… you can consider us as such…” _

_“It’s nice to finally meet you!” Yonghee shakes his hand eagerly. “I hope you take care of Jinyoung when I’m not around.”_

_“Sure.”_

Daehwi remembers the first and probably only time that he saw Jinyoung’s boyfriend, Kim Yonghee. He goes to another university, but on one fine day, he decided to surprise Jinyoung by visiting their school unannounced.

And although Daehwi’s not really a fan of pretty men, he couldn’t deny the fact that he was inhibited since Yonghee is just _that_ pretty.

_The perfect individual who can clearly hit another’s self-confidence._

“But Yonghee’s got nothing to do with this.” Jinyoung suddenly interrupts Daehwi’s train of thoughts when he asks, “So any note-worthy updates?”

“There’s no real update between me and Bomin if that’s what you want to know.” Daehwi shrugs. “Not like there should really be any anyway since I’m not too invested towards him.”

“Psh, that’s what all campus couples say.” Jinyoung mocks with a smirk. “Don’t worry, he’ll eventually come by.”

“It’s fine even if he doesn’t.”

_I hope he doesn’t._

_-_

“Daehwi, will you be my boyfriend?”

Daehwi’s everything but impulsive.

“I—“

Not when pushed to a corner however.

Daehwi breathes deeply and blurts out, “Okay.”

So despite all of his initial thoughts and words, Daehwi finds himself tied and committed to Choi Bomin.

As well as both amazed and terrified of how his best friend’s words really did come true.

_Bomin and I really did become a Campus Couple._

It was amusing and kind of bothering how Jinyoung managed to foresee everything. Or maybe he just conspired with Bomin to make things real (Daehwi reckons he must’ve been watching too much high teen dramas to even think of such ridiculous thoughts).

Then again, it’s not like there’s much difference from before and after he and Bomin started dating. Aside from the nightly calls and more frequent dorm drop-offs, their dynamics are still actually the same – calm and chill.

It feels nice though, of how whenever he’s in need of attention (since Daehwi can be a needy kid like that), he knows that he has someone who can accommodate that. 

_But then again, hasn’t Jinyoung-hyung been doing that?_

It’s still different actually since after all, Jinyoung is also taken. Even though he knows that the two of them are tight and would always be available for each other, there’s a fine line between the things they can do and the things they _should not _do.

It doesn’t mean that things changed however. Just like with Bomin, it’s been pretty much like before and although Daehwi doesn’t go home with Jinyoung everyday anymore, the male never slacks off and always still appears wherever Daehwi is.

“Did you two finish your homeworks?”

Daehwi and Bomin both turn to their backs and see Jinyoung pulling out his notebook. On instincts, Daehwi turns his seat around so he can face Jinyoung. “I got -90x/(x2 -9)2. You?”

“Same,” Jinyoung hands his notebook to Daehwi and grins. “So it’s safe to say that we got it correctly then—“ he pauses when he sees Bomin, peering over his boyfriend anxiously. “Dude, what’s up?”

“I… well, I got a different answer.” Bomin says, adjusting his seat to face the two. “Shouldn’t we use product rule?”

““Quotient Rule.””

Daehwi and Jinyoung stop and look at each other in wonder, eyes both twinkling in recognition, both stunned at their synchronization, before eventually chuckling.

_Peculiar but amusing. _

“As expected of Mr. Bae Jinyoung.”

“You mean, as expected of Mr. Lee Daehwi.”

Daehwi sees Jinyoung’s smug grin and smiles himself, about to speak again but stops when he sees the latter looking at his phone. “I’ll just get this call.” He says briefly to both Daehwi and Bomin before proceeding to exit the room.

Daehwi’s looking at Jinyoung’s figure outside, slouched on the railing of the hallway, when a hand covers his line of sight all of a sudden.

“Hey,”

He looks to his side and is met by a pair of very dark brown orbs. “Can you show me how you got the answer?”

Daehwi feels Bomin’s breath on his lips – their proximity a very meager inch – and he impulsively backs away, surprised and a tad unnerved.

If Bomin notices the awkward body movements of Daehwi, he doesn’t say anything of it and instead, just smiles. 

“You’re the best boyfriend, really.”

And Daehwi just laughs, all the while fighting back the urge to sigh.

-

A month into dating Bomin, Daehwi finds himself becoming weary.

It isn’t about the male being active nor outgoing. Despite loving activities that require physical coordination, Bomin had never forced Daehwi into something which he didn’t like. If any, he’d been nothing but a very caring boyfriend – always prioritizing Daehwi before him. To Bomin, it was all about doing what Daehwi finds best; to him it was all about putting Daehwi’s comfort first.

But maybe that’s the thing – Daehwi _only_ feels comfort.

Nothing else.

And it’s exhausting him to a fault.

“Will you be attending the department dinner tonight?” Bomin turns to Daehwi just as their professor dismisses the class. Their blockmates instantly flock out of the room but just like the minority, they both opt to take their time in gathering their class materials and stay behind.

Daehwi closes his books and answers, “What about you?”

“Well… I guess?” Bomin says as he zips his bag. “The seniors are guilt tripping us into attending and I mean, it’s been a while since we attended any department gatherings…” Bomin trails off, _not_ so subtly peering over Daehwi as the latter keeps his things.

And Daehwi inwardly sighs.

_It’s not like I really forced him to sit out from the department dinners just to stay with me…_

“Okay.” Daehwi mumbles and Bomin looks at him in surprise. “I said okay, let’s go to the department dinner.”

Bomin abruptly hugs Daehwi in excitement and kisses him on the cheek. “Thanks so much, babe!”

Daehwi smiles in response. “Of course—“

“Damn love is in the air.”

Both Daehwi and Bomin turn to their backs and see Jinyoung with a lazy smile. “Are you two going to the department dinner later?” he asks as a greeting, taking the empty seat beside Daehwi as he and Bomin do their weird _bro_ nod.

“Yes! Daehwi and I will go together.” Bomin chirps, obviously excited about the event.

Jinyoung raises an eyebrow in return. “Oh really—“

“Hey Bomin, can you come here for a bit?”

Daehwi, Jinyoung, and Bomin turn at the sound of the latter’s name and sees the male’s group of friends from afar. “I’ll be right back,” Bomin tells the two of them before scurrying off.

As soon as Bomin’s out of earshot, Jinyoung asks, “I thought you never liked those department events?”

“I still don’t.”

“Then why?”

“He doesn’t say it but I know he’s upset about missing the past ones because of me.” Daehwi sighs. “Not like I asked him to not attend anyway.”

“Dude’s just being a good boyfriend,” Jinyoung laughs and Daehwi just wants to punch his face. “Do you want to eat _gopchang_ instead?”

“I just told you I already said yes to Bomin,” Daehwi lightly punches Jinyoung’s arm in frustration. “Why’d you have to rub it in?!”

A sly smile erupts on Jinyoung’s face and Daehwi already knows that the male’s up to no good.

And it doesn’t help that Bomin comes back right at that moment. “Hey Bomin, I think Daehwi can’t go to the department dinner tonight. I just remembered Ms. Kim asked us to help her with the term papers.”

Bomin doesn’t even try to mask the disappointment in his eyes when he looks at Daehwi. “But you said we’re going…”

“I…” Daehwi feels bad for lying, really.

“Do you want me to help then so you can finish faster?”

But he ain’t going to deny that he’d rather eat _gopchang_ with Jinyoung than to go to their department’s events with his boyfriend. “Oh no, it’s okay! There’ll be a lot.”

_Wait, what?_

“Then maybe I should—“

“No need, Bomin. _Really_.” Daehwi tells him, his voice a tad stricter than usual. He feigns looking at his phone for the time and adds, “Sorry, but we’re kind of late. I don’t really want to keep Ms. Kim waiting. Just go to the dinner with your friends and enjoy yourself.”

Bomin was about to retort but eventually nods much to Daehwi’s relief. “I feel bad but okay. Try to follow though and message me, okay?”

Daehwi nods as he stands, grabbing Jinyoung’s wrist as he drags him out of the room. “I will! Bye and enjoy!”

It was a bit of a struggle having to brashly lie – and to his _boyfriend_ at that – but it isn’t as hard and excruciating as having to wait for intestines to cook when one is hungry.

And Daehwi relates to this on a very personal level at least ten minutes later, eyeing the food on the griller with passion. “I swear it’s really taking a long time…”

Daehwi’s mumbling, but Jinyoung hears it anyway, rousing a chuckle from the male who – _again_ – is the designated cook. “Be patient, kid.” He says, flipping the meat. He checks a piece and places it on Daehwi’s plate. “But I didn’t think you’d easily ditch your boyfriend like that?”

Daehwi munches on the meat happily, but doesn’t fail to answer back. “What about you then?” Jinyoung looks at him in query. “How come I never see you go on dates with yours?”

Jinyoung ponders, “You have a point… but mine and yours are different.”

“How are we any different?”

“Unlike your very loyal boyfriend, Yonghee’s dating someone else.”

Daehwi sputters his Sprite, turning his unsuspecting bag into a casualty. Jinyoung shakes his head in disbelief but grabs his bag nonetheless, immediately wiping it with wet wipes.

More than the fact that he just dirtied his bag or that Jinyoung really has a thing for his bag (he doesn’t know how to react with this information), Daehwi’s thoughts lingers on the male’s statement.

“You two broke up?!” Jinyoung shakes his head calmly in response which in turn, only adds more creases to Daehwi’s forehead. “What the hell? And you’re okay with it?” Daehwi asks but Jinyoung only shrugs, cutting down the pieces of the meat. “Your boyfriend is cheating and you’re here grilling intestines as if that’s completely normal.”

“Well, I never really liked Yonghee.”

Never let it be said that just because he already splattered once, it doesn’t mean that he can’t do it again and at this point, Daehwi just practically loses all care for his bag and image. “Wow Jinyoung-hyung, you don’t just drop all of these at once.”

Jinyoung sighs loudly and reaches over the table, wiping Daehwi’s mouth with a clean napkin. And Daehwi just freezes, looks at the male’s hand, arm, shirt – anywhere but Jinyoung’s eyes – which had suddenly becoming so fascinating for him. “T-then why did you go out with him in the first place?” he clears his throat, but then that is proving to be just as hard as absorbing Jinyoung’s declarations.

“Curiosity? I don’t really know.” Jinyoung shrugs nonchalantly, opting to just stay right beside Daehwi (which may or may not have perturbed the latter). “I never really thought of it back when he asked me to go out with him.” he puts down the tongs and continues eating, a smile erupting on his face as he savors the meat. “Damn, this is really the bomb.”

Daehwi can only stare at his friend, his mind utterly conflicted. “Jinyoung-hyung,” He opens his mouth to speak, to retort, to tell Jinyoung that things shouldn’t be this way, to let him know that he deserves _more._

“You…”

That there’s _someone else_ who deserves him more.

“Hm?”

But he retracts and just heaves a heavy sigh.

“You know what, nevermind.” Daehwi tells Jinyoung, lifting his lips into a small smile. “You’re already old, you should know what you’re doing.”

Jinyoung makes a face. “Hey! I’m just a year older than you!” he huffs. “That’s not a lot!”

“Then why do you keep on making me call you hyung?!”

“I like it when you call me Jinyoungie-hyung.” Jinyoung beams. “It’s cute.”

And Daehwi can almost feel the tiniest bit of ember within him, caused by the sudden summersault of his heart.

But he regards it as a glitch in his system and sticks a tongue out instead, masking the growing smile on his face.

-

The next day brings forth a bright sunshine, clear skies, warm weather and happy flying friends in Seoul.

Yet to Daehwi, it was awful.

Not a disaster per se, but he can almost regard it as very unfortunate.

“Daehwi, I… I actually have a girlfriend.”

The end of his very first relationship.

Daehwi blinks his eyes in a futile attempt to confirm that he indeed heard it right – it wasn’t as if he can clean his ears right on the spot anyway. Albeit, what makes him realize that he’s not dreaming nor is he in a drama, and that he’s still seated rigidly inside a random, cheap café near their campus is when he hears Bomin adding, “We’ve been together since high school.”

“What the hell?”

Daehwi narrows his eyes in pure disgust. Never had he really gotten mad at Bomin before since the latter never really did anything to make Daehwi mad. If any, Daehwi knows that he was the one who lacks a lot in their relationship; he was selfish and uncaring of what Bomin really needed. And not having real feelings for Bomin isn’t a legitimate reason. It was actually wrong – dating him for the sake of dating.

Yet Bomin never took it against him. Bomin never got mad at him.

Because it turns out that all of that selflessness is just a preparation for the big thing.

If Daehwi thinks deeper about it, surely, there’s jealousy and sadness, being that they still did spend good times together. But more than the depressing feelings, the anger and disappointment are much more that he ends up saying a simple, “Fuck you.”

Bomin jerks when he hears Daehwi and he replies, “Daehwi, I’m really sorry. That’s why I’m telling you now because I love you—“

“Damn Bomin, can you even hear what you’re saying right now?” Daehwi’s not even asking it as a question anymore since he feels as if any answer that Bomin will give him will just seem impossible to believe.

“Daehwi, I really love you—“

“If you really love me then go break it off with your girlfriend.”

Daehwi doesn’t wait for Bomin’s reaction and immediately saunters out of the café. He ignores his calls and speed walks to the campus, fists clenched tightly in an attempt to stop himself from spreading bad vibes. He calls Seonho as he walks into the campus, but it only connects to his voicemail – just like how it always does whenever Daehwi needs him the most.

He contemplates on calling another number, but he loses the need to when he suddenly hears his name being called by the same number’s owner. “Hwi!” he looks up and sees Jinyoung and Woojin, along with their other friends a couple of meters away.

Daehwi smiles and waves back, but it was flat.

Jinyoung isn’t oblivious to this and he doesn’t even waste any second before running towards Daehwi, grabbing his hand when he reaches the latter and drags him off. Daehwi ignores everything surrounding them and only lets the older take him, holding on to his hand as if his life depends on it. It takes at least a couple of minutes before he feels Jinyoung stopping somewhere more secluded (Daehwi assumes they were at the back of the Arts department) and him being forced to sit down on a bench by the older.

“Sorry for suddenly forcing you to run but here, drink this.” Jinyoung hands him a water bottle he got from his bag which Daehwi quickly takes in a shot. Once he had calmed down, he feels Jinyoung patting his head gently before sitting down beside him. “Care to tell me what happened?”

And despite not wanting to make a big deal out of it, it takes just one smile – just one _gentle_ smile – from Jinyoung before everything comes rushing out of Daehwi’s mouth.

Words and emotions raw and unfiltered.

Without any fear of being judged.

“That asshole ought to get a punch or two—“ Daehwi immediately grabs Jinyoung’s arm and pulls him back to sit.

“Don’t even start. I mean, I’m not even _that_ hurt.”

“He cheated, Daehwi!” Jinyoung snaps. “He played with you—“

“And yours did too yet you didn’t break up.”

Jinyoung subsides at that. “But I told you, yours and mine are different. It’s been three weeks since we last spoke to each other so you can’t really consider us as still together.” he then sighs, “We went out for curiosity’s sakes too.”

Daehwi shakes his head. “It’s the same for me too. I liked Bomin, but it never came to a point where him liking someone else would hurt.” He breathes deeply and says, “More than feeling jealous, I just feel mad at how he broke my trust or of how he can easily deceive me.” Daehwi complains, sounding more like a whining kid. “Me? Lee Daehwi? I can’t believe that douchebag really.”

Daehwi rolls his eyes in frustration while Jinyoung chuckles.

“And here I thought your heart was hurt, but instead, it was your _ego_ that took a hit.” Daehwi punches him, but Jinyoung only continues to laugh. “Kidding aside, I’m at least glad that you’re taking this rather calmly. I was kind of expecting you to go off or something.”

“Yeah well… I told him to go fuck himself.”

“Good boy,” Jinyoung pipes. “We are anything but cowards, alright.”

“That asshole told me he loves me, so I told him in turn, to break up with his girlfriend if he really loves me.” Daehwi explains to him. “As if he’ll really do that though.”

“Wanna bet? I know he’ll try to get back with you. I just know it.” Jinyoung slouches on the bench and takes his favorite thing again: Daehwi’s bag. “That’s why I told you to just drop him. He doesn’t even organize your bag for you like I do!”

“But you’re the one who set me up with him!”

“Which is a mistake, I admit.” Jinyoung nods apologetically before reiterating. “But just drop him. You don’t need people like that in your life.” He rearranges the items inside Daehwi’s bag again as he speaks, but he suddenly stops and looks at the younger when he says, “You only need someone like me.”

Daehwi stills for a couple of seconds and gets caught by Jinyoung’s deep brown eyes. For some unfathomable reason, he feels calmer, more at peace despite the sudden run in his chest, but he eventually breaks away and laughs, punching the latter’s arm. The two of them laugh for a while before Daehwi stops and smiles. “But thank you though, for being here with me.”

A serene silence surrounds them both for a while before Jinyoung suddenly breaks it.

“Hwi?”

“Yeah?”

“I’ll… uh…” Jinyoung trails off. “I’ll hold your hand.”

Daehwi stills for a split second, unsure if he heard it right. “What… what for…?”

“To calm you, to calm me – I don’t really know… but I just want to.” Jinyoung answers. “Is that okay?”

Jinyoung pulls up a blithe smile as he stares back at Daehwi.

_That_ same blithe smile which does small but inexplicable things to him beyond his control.

And Daehwi just nods, tries to calm his racing heart, and feels his hand slowly being caressed by that of Jinyoung’s larger one.

Gently and securely.

-

_Bzzz_. _Bzzz._

Daehwi’s hand creeps under the pillow as he tries to look for his phone. Although no matter how much his hand wanders, the buzzing simply continues. Only when he hears a loud thud coming from the floor does he realizes the whereabouts of his device.

It was a fine Saturday – the start of their semester break – and Woojin has org practices. Daehwi has their dorm all to himself and what better way to start their break than to sleep in and spend the day giving his bed all the love and attention it deserves?

Although that doesn’t mean that the phone will stop ringing, and it wouldn’t definitely answer itself, would it?

Daehwi’s not a sloth but it doesn’t mean that he can’t act like one, so he rolls on to the edge of his bed and extends his arm, reaching for the – surprisingly – still ringing phone. He doesn’t even bother looking at the caller ID and immediately answers with a simple “hello?”

“Daehwi, I broke up with her.” Half of Daehwi’s being is still floating in dreamland but he doesn’t fail to recognize Bomin’s voice. “We can be together now.”

Silence.

At least about three minutes pass with Daehwi remaining motionless on his bed, unresponsive.

“Daehwi, please answer me,” Bomin reiterates, sounding even more desperate. “I broke up with my girlfriend, just like what you said.”

(Maybe) another minute passes before Daehwi’s eyes shoot open and he mumbles, “what?”

“I broke up with my girlfriend for you, Daehwi.”

Daehwi sits up hastily and staggers in the process. More than the lightheadedness though, he doubts his hearing abilities as the words continue to ring in his head. “You broke up with your girlfriend?!”

“You made me choose, and I’m choosing you.” Bomin tells him and he almost gets goosebumps remembering what he and Jinyoung were talking about just last week.

It still amazes him that Jinyoung’s right, Bomin did choose him over his girlfriend.

He doesn’t feel good about it though since the moment he already left the café, he had already decided to end things for good. It’s just that he has such a big mouth and he just had to say that and make things worse.

And so Daehwi grunts, obviously not taking the morning greeting all too well.

Then again, it isn’t morning anymore. It’s already half past 3 in the afternoon and he had wasted more than half of his day. Not really wasted since he’d been able to catch up on some well-deserved sleep but it’s not enough to overcome his sour mood. The sudden news plus the vertigo will put anybody on a bad mood too. Not to mention the fact that this was beyond his plans, Daehwi just wants to scream and block Bomin’s number.

Which is exactly what he does – except the screaming part.

“I’m sorry, Bomin, but we’re never getting back together. We’ve broken up and that won’t change. Thank you for everything and goodbye.”

Daehwi doesn’t really want to be petty and immature but he’s left with no other choice but to do it, especially when the man keeps on calling but he just wants to go back to sleeping. Consequently, there really isn’t any use to keep the number since by keeping it, it will only give him more options and maybe have more room for regrets.

If there’s anything that he needs to do, it’s to burn that faux bridge before it even crashes down on him.

So he tries to sleep again. Fortunately, it isn’t so hard so the next time mark he wakes up is at 6:45 PM when he hears the door of their dorm room opening. Without moving from his crumpled position, Daehwi looks up towards the door, expecting to see Woojin but instead, gets surprised as he sees Jinyoung.

“Woojin-hyung guessed right. You skipped breakfast and lunch.”

Jinyoung pads inside the room as Daehwi slowly tries to process things. He checks his phone and sees the time, as well as a message from Woojin saying that he won’t be coming back for the night.

I won’t come home tonight  
**4:32**

Rmb the dance tournament I was telling u about before  
We need to practice extra so we’ll prob stay overnight  
**4:33**

Just ask Jinyoung to eat dinner with u or smth  
behave, okay?  
**4:33**

Daehwi replies a simple ‘okay’ and looks at Jinyoung who had already made himself comfortable by their dining area, prepping up for dinner he presumes. “What are you doing here and how did you know our passcode?”

Jinyoung takes notice of his still figure and motions for him to come, and although Daehwi isn’t really the most docile kid there is, no sane person can say no to free food. “I asked Woojin-hyung if I can stay over tonight. He said it’s actually better that way so here I am.” Jinyoung explains. “Why, don’t you want me here?”

Jinyoung pouts cutely and Daehwi suddenly takes a huge breath, confused between annoyance and fondness. “Woojin-hyung just proved that he trusts you more than me—is what I’m trying to say.” He gently taps Jinyoung’s face away and starts eating the Chinese take-out the older brought.

“Foine.” Jinyoung simply says in return before starting to eat as well.

The two of them eat in silence, only because Daehwi’s been deprived of food for almost twenty hours already and Jinyoung’s not about to take that from him – not when the former looks like he can even eat a whole cow (Jinyoung swears he ordered food for four yet there aren’t any leftovers).

Once they’re done though, Jinyoung quickly cleans up the table to let Daehwi freshen himself up. It was the first day of their sembreak and while they may not have enjoyed the day to the fullest, Jinyoung gathers that it isn’t too late to enjoy the night instead by having a drinking session at the veranda of their dorm room.

Han River was the first choice, but being that it’s sembreak, it’s no question that the place would surely be filled with people – mostly students – and being alike people who values their personal space, they aren’t going to squeeze themselves in with the crowd. Besides, they’ve always spent time at Jinyoung’s dorm anyway so they reckoned it wouldn’t hurt to give it a try.

“I bought onion rings too!” Jinyoung announces as he opens the sliding door connecting to the veranda. Aside from the lack of furniture and plants, the view in Daehwi’s veranda is exactly the same as that of Jinyoung’s. Lots of neighboring buildings are in sight, but the darkness rules above, still with some stray clouds dusting the night sky.

Jinyoung sits down on the floor in between the room and the veranda, placing a cushion right beside him consequently. Daehwi looks at him in question, but Jinyoung just smiles and pats the cushion before handing him his can of beer.

Touched by the gesture, Daehwi nods with a smile and sits down. “Thanks, Mr. Bae.”

Jinyoung looks at him smugly and takes a swig coolly.

“Have you seen the block GC though?”

Daehwi shakes his head and asks, “Why, what’s up?”

“Nothing really, but you dumping Bomin already spread like wildfire at the whole department.”

Daehwi almost chokes. “Then everybody thinks I’m an asshole now!”

“Not really,” Jinyoung says plainly and Daehwi almost wants to deck him for the lack of reaction. “I mean, the fact that Bomin two timed was worse so everybody’s focusing on that more – which is actually a good thing, I guess.”

Daehwi knows it will never be good, but if it gets his life to be in peace, then good it is. “Should I be flattered that Bomin actually broke up with his girlfriend for me?” Daehwi sighs and takes a sip from his drink. “I don’t feel anything good about it though.”

“Just like what I told you before, you’re _not_ supposed to be flattered nor feel good about it.” Jinyoung takes a piece from the onion rings he bought and shoves it to Daehwi’s mouth. “Bomin’s a mistake and he will never be worth your feelings. Now eat and shush.”

Daehwi feels Jinyoung’s thumb brushing against his lips and the autumn night suddenly becomes warmer, but he immediately slaps the latter’s hand away and huffs. _“Guanwin andsh Sheonho are zhe onshly onesh going strongersh.”_

Jinyoung looks at him and laughs. “I know, right?” _ he understood that? _“I hope every couple’s like them.”

Daehwi finishes his piece and asks, “why does your statement sound as if you’re carrying a lot?”

Jinyoung doesn’t respond but instead, shows Daehwi his phone.

Hey Yonghee?  
**00:25**

Yea?  
**00:28**

Let’s break up.  
**00:30**

Okay.  
**00:33**

Daehwi takes a peek at Jinyoung to gauge his face, but just as usual, only his stoic countenance is present. And unlike before when he felt scandalized by the lack of response, Daehwi wouldn’t really say that he’s surprised. “We’re both celebrating independence day this year then.” Jinyoung laughs at this.

“There was no love to begin with anyway so there’s no use in prolonging it.”

It’s true. Daehwi may not have known how Yonghee and Jinyoung actually started, but the one time that he saw the two together, there was no spark. There weren’t any sparkles in Jinyoung’s eyes, nor does his smile reach his ears.

It was the same face he wears when he’s amongst many.

In some way or another, Daehwi sees his reflection in Jinyoung – the flat, shallow form of emotion he feels whenever he’s with Bomin.

And it was wrong. They both know it, but they both wanted to try because curiosity and doubt are serial killers which no one can ever satiate.

Only genuine and real feelings can overwhelm and knock it down, purging those thoughts every single time it comes up.

“I guess we’re both just unlucky like that.”

But when can one truly say that it’s gone?

“Or maybe you just suck at kissing.”

Jinyoung looks at Daehwi in both surprise and confusion, and the latter just looks back at him dumbly.

“What, I’m just saying that _that_ could be a reason too.”

“You haven’t even experienced me yet, how the hell would you know?”

“You’re right.” Daehwi shrugs, taking a swig from his drink before munching on another onion ring. “How would I know?”

“Want to try then?”

Daehwi gawks at Jinyoung. Jinyoung just stares back.

“Why the hell would I want to try?”

“To change your opinion of me,” Jinyoung mutters. “Of me being a bad kisser.”

Daehwi scoffs, sounding scandalized partly by the suggestion.

“Uh…” Daehwi takes his can in one shot. “Okay.”

But mostly by Jinyoung’s eager and undivided attention.

“Oh? Oh.” There was a slight variation in Jinyoung’s voice, but Daehwi doesn’t mention anything. He watches as the male eat a piece of the now cold onion ring and down his can in one shot. “Who… who will do it then?” he puts his can down and says, “You do it.”

“Why me?” Daehwi almost croaks out.

“Well, you’re the one who needs to find out anyway.”

Daehwi swallows hard. He and Bomin had kissed before, but it was only in passing. It was kind of cute, if Daehwi thinks about it, being that Bomin was his first kiss, but it was sadly, very much _empty_. There wasn’t even any inkling of impression akin to a sparkler or lighter. It felt just like two strangers on a sidewalk accidentally crashing and brushing their arms against each other.

No more; no less.

“So?”

Yet with a single word from the golden boy in front of him, Daehwi feels hot, feels as if there are two hard stones rubbing against each other inside of him.

So he breathes deeply and leans towards Jinyoung, closing in the gap between their expectant lips.

_1, 2, 3, 4, 5—_

Daehwi backs away and lets out the breath he’s been holding.

“Well?”

Daehwi hears Jinyoung, but doesn’t look at him. He breathes in and out but ignores the seething stones in his chest. “It’s... not bad…”

“Not bad? Are you serious?” Jinyoung asks, every bit of sarcasm pouring from his tone. “How the hell would you know with just a simple _peck_?”

And Daehwi clenches his fists, chest trembling, unable to control the fire steel within him.

_But why do I have to control it?_

“You know what, you’re right.” Daehwi snaps. “Let’s try again.”

Without any warning, Daehwi holds Jinyoung’s face and captures his lips again but this time, with a fervor not yet seen nor tried. He closes his eyes and leans closer, leaving barely any space in between them as he hears a soft thud when Jinyoung’s back hits the door frame. Not long after he feels Jinyoung’s hands snaking around his waist, gripping in a muddy gentleness and gusto just as he kisses Daehwi back, licking the younger’s lips friskily and overwhelming his tongue to explore each and every crevice of the younger’s mouth.

It was a real kiss this time and it wasn’t empty.

It was a real kiss this time and it wasn’t just any strangers on a sidewalk accidentally crashing against each other.

It was a real kiss this time and the stones within him finally turn ablaze.

“S-so?” Jinyoung breathes in and out, trying to catch his breathing, holding still onto Daehwi’s waist for whatever support he needs.

“You taste like onions.”

“Onions… _really_.”

“Well… it’s not enough.” Daehwi tells him, licking his own lips as he affixes his gaze on Jinyoung’s. “I can’t give a judgment with just that.”

And Jinyoung’s not oblivious to this. “Yeah, definitely not enough, huh.” He pulls Daehwi closer and feels the male’s breathing against his lips. “Okay, got it.”

Daehwi looks at Jinyoung and sees the male’s gaze – deep, brown, and hooded – before he finally comes across the missing sparkles he’d been looking for before.

Brought about by the once small pink jelly like lips which are now a shiny, swollen red.

“One more?”

“One more.” Jinyoung traces his thumb against Daehwi’s lips and smiles. “But this time, let _me_ do it.”

Daehwi nods and the two of them just melt in that flame that sparked in the cold veranda.

Not a single star is in sight in the Dark Amethyst sky.

But maybe Daehwi doesn’t really need to look for any.

Because maybe that one star he needed, actually already found him.


	2. Think

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daehwi will never _not_ think of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMMGGG thank you for the positive responses for chapter 1!  
I thought there aren't anymore JinHwi stans but apparently y'all are still alive! Applause for staying with the kids!
> 
> Anyway, this update is a day late and I'm so sorry for that.  
I had some things going on yesterday so I couldn't edit until today.  
But yeah, here we go!
> 
> Next week, I'll be posting the 3rd chapter before I leave for the Philippines for my vacation.  
DONUT KILL ME FOR IT NEXT WEEK LOL  
As for chapter 4, it might take a while to be posted since I haven't even finished it lol but yeah, we'll get there soon!  
for now, enjoy this domestic and fluff chapter!  
XOXO

[Me After You](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBzJ0jmHv-4) \- Paul Kim

* * *

**Never Not _Think_**

As a child, Daehwi had always considered having a profession that requires him to work at the airport. It isn’t a dream per se, but there’s always this certain thought about the place that makes him feel nostalgic, makes him feel melancholic.

Because as the saying goes, at the airport, the _happiest hellos_ and the _saddest goodbyes_ always happen.

It’s been a long left undisclosed career option for him, but he suddenly gets reminded of it just as he feels Jinyoung’s hand on his, holding on tightly, unwilling to let go.

“I’m sorry for being so dumb.”

Daehwi chuckles in response. “I’m sorry for not being dumb with you.”

Jinyoung pouts, kicks Daehwi’s luggage softly, and mumbles gibberish words, presumably just self-rant on how dumb he was for not applying to the exchange student program that their school has on time. It was a semester long program wherein qualified students would get to study and stay at a partner school in California. A very good opportunity that every student would like to take – including Daehwi and Jinyoung.

They’ve already planned it ahead, of how they would fly and go California together. However, even though he is a golden boy, Jinyoung isn’t really perfect and he has some flaws here and there as well – which Daehwi accepts wholeheartedly – so he misunderstands the application time frame and misses the deadline by a day.

And with a university as strict as theirs, even a minute late means rejection.

“Will you be okay by yourself?” Jinyoung asks, pure concern and worry written on his face. “Who will feed you? Who will wake you up? Who will clean and fix your bag? Who—“ Daehwi shushes him with his pointer finger.

“Kuanlin and Seonho will be there with me. We’re rooming together and although I feel bad for third wheeling them, at least that’s better and safer than to room with a complete stranger, right?” Daehwi explains but Jinyoung just pouts even more.

“If only I applied on time then we could’ve been rooming together—“

“Is that the only reason you have, Mister?”

Jinyoung bites his lips guiltily, a faint blush dusting his cheeks, but he shakes his head and says, “No, I have other reasons too!” Daehwi smirks but softens up when Jinyoung adds, “But more than any vile and corrupt thoughts I may or may _not_ have, I just want to make sure that you’ll be okay. I want to be the one who will feed you, wake you up, and clean up your bag. I want to do everything for you… and _with _you…” Jinyoung trails off with a sigh.

Daehwi looks at Jinyoung and his dejected frame. He takes note of how desperate the male’s voice is and sighs himself.

Since he is just a reflection of what Jinyoung’s going through.

Daehwi’s just as sad and blue.

But there really isn’t anything that they can do anymore and nothing will ever really change even if they keep on wallowing on the past. “Jinyoung-hyung, I am twenty years old. I’ve lived nineteen years without you and I’m sure I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself from now on too.” Daehwi smiles. “But that doesn’t that I won’t need you in my life anymore. That doesn’t mean I can live without you.”

“Hwi…”

“I’ll always need you. I’ll always need a Bae Jinyoung in my life—“ Daehwi doesn’t even get to finish his sentence because Jinyoung suddenly embraces the younger and gives him a hard, overwhelming kiss.

It was sloppy and hasty, bold and full, but it was more than enough to make Daehwi feel invincible.

It was more than enough to make Daehwi believe that he can withstand even the saddest goodbye.

And it was more than enough to make Daehwi look forward to the happiest hello.

“I’ll contact you every day, Hwi, I promise. And before we know it, a semester will be done, it’ll be fast!” Jinyoung holds Daehwi’s face and stares wholly at him. “So promise me you’ll always answer.” Jinyoung caresses Daehwi’s cheeks fondly. “Promise me you’ll always think of me.”

The desperation is very apparent in Jinyoung’s eyes, but more than the despondency are the sparkles – bright and shining as they stare onto Daehwi’s.

So despite the impending waterworks, Daehwi mirrors Jinyoung’s countenance and smiles.

“I promise.” he nestles Jinyoung’s hands on his face and relishes in his warmth. “I will _never not_ think of you.”

-

_Bzzz. Bzzz._

Daehwi cracks an eye open and sees the time: 6 AM.

His brain hasn’t broken in for the day yet but it automatically goes into fury mode being woken up at such an early time on a fine schedule-less Saturday morning by an unknown caller. He creeps up his hand on his bedside table and fortunately, easily acquires his phone.

[ Incoming call: Jinyoungie-hyung ]

He eyes the screen for a couple of seconds before the name suddenly registers in his brain and he immediately answers the call.

“Daehwi?”

“Jinyoung-hyung,” Daehwi plops his head back on his pillow and closes his eyes, a smile creeping up on his lips. “Good morning…”

“It’s night here actually, but good morning to you—“ Jinyoung greets back then gasps. “Wait, did I wake you up? I’m sorry—“

“No, no! It’s fine. I just realized I actually slept through my alarm.”

“Is there even anything new about that?”

Jinyoung’s laughter rings through the call and Daehwi gathers that waking up at six in the morning suddenly doesn’t seem so infuriating anymore.

“I’ll call at a later time from now on. I feel so bad waking you up.”

“Don’t be!” Daehwi answers back. "Feel bad if you didn’t call… but you did, so it’s all better.”

It had only been at least two months into Daehwi’s exchange student program in California but every day is proving to be a struggle. Not academically since he’s catching up fairly quick – he even teaches Kuanlin and Seonho from time to time. Food isn’t a worry since he’s not really picky, and the weather as well, since he’s pretty much adaptable. Home sickness isn’t a big deal too, seeing as his mom actually flew with him to visit some friends and spend vacation in California.

Daehwi’s actually breezing through everything perfectly except for one thing.

His longingness for his special someone’s presence.

_Jinyoung-hyung. _

Every day they make sure to call each other, but the 17 hour time difference is no joke. Taken, they try to adjust and make ends meet, but it’s also a well-known fact that having to wake up or sleep at such ungodly hours is very excruciating and can also a take a toll on one’s health.

On the contrary, even though one is physically healthy, what good would it do if they’re emotionally unfed?

Daehwi won’t be Daehwi if he isn’t persistent, and Jinyoung won’t be Jinyoung if he isn’t tenacious.

So despite the everyday skirmish they undergo with time and drowsiness, they still get by.

Hard but bearable.

_Because love transcends time._

“Happy birthday, Lee Daehwi!”

Besides, if there was a time when he actually felt the urge to punch Jinyoung, it was only when he suddenly decided that it would be a good idea to scream so loudly over the phone that their call actually sounded as if it was on loudspeaker.

And if the people around his table hearing the male’s greeting isn’t enough reason for him to dig a hole in the ground, the librarian actually just had to be situated in front of him too – judging face on mode.

“Happy birthday, hyung,” Seonho whispers from right beside him before giggling. “But bye too, hyung.”

It isn’t long before Seonho’s premonition becomes real and he eventually sees the librarian gesturing for him to go out. He had muted his phone but he can clearly see the confusion on Jinyoung’s face and he’s left with no choice but to just acquiesce.

“Where are you going though?” Kuanlin asks him but Daehwi just shrugs.

“Probably somewhere, I don’t know.”

“Just go back to our dorm. We’ll follow after we finish our homework.” Seonho says as he and Kuanlin both wave him goodbye.

Daehwi internally rolls his eyes. The two didn’t even do any means to stop him, but it really doesn’t matter. Once outside, he immediately unmutes his phone and reprimands the caller. “You just had me kicked out of the library, in case you didn’t know.”

“I’m sorry but I know you weren’t really studying anyway, so don’t act as if you’re mad now.” Jinyoung laughs and Daehwi gets a really strong urge to slap the male, but instead, he just sighs.

“Well… you’re not exactly wrong there.” Daehwi suppresses his laughter. Fortunately, it was still early so there aren’t much people lounging around, giving him the luxury of sitting leisurely on a nearby bench. “But shouldn’t you still be asleep? It’s already midnight there.”

Jinyoung beams. “Happy birthday, Hwi!”

And Daehwi simply smiles, suddenly feeling soft all over. It was a simple greeting, just two words, but to Daehwi, it was a whole lot more. “Thank you, Jinyoungie-hyung.” he then pouts playfully. “But you didn’t have to wait for it, you know. It doesn’t matter when you greet me anyway.”

“But I have to. Besides, I don’t have classes tomorrow anyway.” Jinyoung reassures. “So, what’s your plan for your special day?”

“Nothing, really.” Daehwi shrugs. “My birthday here won’t be until tomorrow so my mom and I will have dinner then.” He then adds, “Right now, I’ll probably just go wait at some café since someone here got me kicked out—“

“You really wouldn’t let it go, would you?” Daehwi shakes his head and he hears Jinyoung laughing. “I’ll make it up to you.”

“How?”

“Just go back to your dorm first.”

Daehwi gives Jinyoung a look. “Don’t order me around.”

Jinyoung mirrors his face and scoffs. “What are you going to do about it?”

The two of them just look at each other for a while before they crack in laughter. “Fine, I’ll wait for Kuanlin and Seonho at our dorm, you dummy.” Daehwi starts walking as he tells Jinyoung, “Now listen to me too and go to sleep.”

“I’ll sleep when you reach your room.”

Daehwi shakes his head but concedes nonetheless, since if there’s someone who’s more stubborn out of them two, it would definitely _not_ be him. To be fair, it’s not like he wants to end the call too, but he knows that Jinyoung’s barely getting any sleep because of the time difference, so he speed walks on his way to the dorms. It isn’t far anyway so it only takes him at least five minutes to reach the building. Once there, he flips the camera and shows Jinyoung for proof.

“Now that’s a good boy.” Jinyoung nods approvingly as Daehwi just scoffs. “I’ll sleep now. I’ll message you when I wake up.”

Daehwi nods. “Goodnight, hyung! Sleep well!”

He ends the call just as he arrives in front of his doorstep and immediately enters the room. Although upon entering, he stops short when he sees a heart shaped box of chocolates as well as a plushie on his bed. Carefully locking the door behind him, he quickly checks the item and notices a small piece of note on top.

_Happy birthday, Hwi! _

_I might not be there for your special day and this ain’t much, but I hope you like the chocolates. I told Kuanlin to get you your favorite one. I hope he didn’t mess up. _

Daehwi laughs, popping a piece into his mouth excitedly.

_I promise I’ll give you a sweeter birthday next year. _

_I miss you so much and I can’t wait to see you in 3 months._

_I’ll wait for you. Always. _

_Love, Jinyoungie-hyung_

“Really, that hyung.” Daehwi mumbles to himself, plopping on his bed while holding the yellow bird.

It isn’t really the chocolates, nor the plushie – Daehwi isn’t really asking for any material stuff, much less any gift at that. If any, he would never asked for anything. Jinyoung just remembering his birthday and greeting him on point means so much already. So suddenly receiving such a gift, Daehwi just feels like floating, feels so light and worry free.

He feels special.

And he just couldn’t remove the smile on his face.

“Can there be anything sweeter than this though?”

“Sex, maybe?”

Daehwi sits up straight and sees the couple he’s been third wheeling entering the room. “Kuanlin, shut up your boyfriend. He’s a baby.”

“_You_ are a baby.” Kuanlin retorts. “I can’t believe I really had to do all of this for that cheesy sunbae because of you.”

“You can just _not_ do it anyway?”

“Gay has a point.” Seonho snorts but Kuanlin shakes his head.

“I owe Jinyoung-sunbae before since he used to help me out in one of our common subjects.” Kuanlin sits beside Seonho on his bed – which is adjacent to Daehwi’s. “But Daehwi, I have one question.”

Daehwi nods at him to go ahead and ask. “Is Jinyoung-sunbae really _not _your boyfriend?” and he freezes, still upon hearing the question.

“You really just have to ask that.” Seonho slaps Kuanlin’s arm.

Daehwi sits up straight and answers, “We’re friends. Why?”

“Friends do _that_?” Kuanlin questions, pointing to the gift all the while ignoring Seonho who’s trying so hard to cover his mouth. “Friends write mushy notes and gifts like _that_?”

But of course, despite being ever so vulgar, Seonho isn’t exactly dumb. “Hyung, it’s okay. Just go daydream about Jinyoung-hyung or something. We’ll go out to eat.” Daehwi sees Kuanlin looking back at his boyfriend in question but Seonho just smiles. “Do you want something to go?”

Daehwi shakes his head. “I’m good. Thank you for the offer though and have fun!”

“We will!” Despite Kuanlin’s protests, Seonho eventually gets to drag him out again, leaving Daehwi in their shared room all to himself.

Leaving Daehwi to stare at his furry friend alone while sorting out his now confused thoughts.

_Boyfriend… huh._

-

Exactly a month before the exchange student program ends, as well as Jinyoung’s birthday, Daehwi finds himself slouched on his desk with fifty small scraps of white paper notes surrounding him.

_I like you because you smiled at me the first time we met. _

_I like you because you always clean and organize my bag for me._

_I like you because your neck is so long. _

_I like you—_

There’s a list he did on his notebook, of reasons why he likes Jinyoung. In each blank white note, he writes down one reason, folds it neatly, and drops them inside a red tumbler he bought just the other day. He remembers in passing how Jinyoung mentioned that he accidentally broke the tumbler he was using just a week prior. Strangely enough, he saw an article online of how to surprise your loved one in various unique ways. He had always wanted to try it, doing a jar full of love notes before but there wasn’t really any chance for him to do so.

Surely, Jinyoung wouldn’t mind if Daehwi does it for him, would he?

_Even though this is for couples and we’re not really a couple…_

Daehwi knows that Jinyoung has never really been materialistic, and would gladly appreciate any kind of greeting or thought as long as it’s sincere. The only thing that bugs him is Kuanlin’s question, of him remembering the fact that they aren’t really and _officially_ together.

And despite telling himself that he doesn’t really mind, there’s a dark expanse that got opened within him. An ugly feeling that started growing somewhere in him that makes him want to deck both Kuanlin and Seonho each time he sees them for making him be aware of something he <strike>shouldn’t </strike>should’ve sooner.

Of making him be aware of how he and Jinyoung had already held hands, cuddled, smooched (intensely at that), and everything that only couples do.

Yet there isn’t any verbal nor official agreement that they really are in a relationship.

A _romantic_ relationship.

Daehwi never really thought of it before, much less gave any heed to it. He didn’t think of it because he only cared like how he felt Jinyoung’s care. He was only loving like how he feels loved. To him, it was all enough, to feel special, to feel everything through the male’s actions because actions speak louder than words.

But all because of that damned insensitive couple he’d been third wheeling, he’d been suffering in paranoia for a whole month thinking that maybe it really isn’t enough.

That maybe he does want a reassurance. That maybe actions aren’t enough and he needs to hear words to eradicate that ugly speck in his heart that shouldn’t have appeared in the first place.

That maybe he had only been ignoring it out of comfort, but he really does want to be able to call Jinyoung officially _his_.

Then again, even as he realizes this thought that he should or should not have realized way before, nothing will ever really change between them because he loves Jinyoung and Jinyoung loves him. He’s sure of it.

Nothing _should_ ever really change between them.

“Daehwi!”

Or as what Daehwi would like to believe.

“Jinyoungie-hyung—“ Daehwi doesn’t get to finish his sentence as he almost falls as soon as he gets out of the arrival area, tackled into a tight, heart wrenching hug by none other than the person he’d been looking forward to seeing the most. “Hyung, I can’t breathe—“

“Oh my God, you’re really here. I’m sorry, I—“ Jinyoung holds Daehwi’s face, stares at him with his deep brown eyes for a good ten seconds before placing a soft, quick smooch on his lips. “I miss you… so, so much.”

Daehwi tightens his grip on Jinyoung’s arms and hugs him, embraces him, and breathes him in, taking in the reality that he’s really back and fights back the urge to tear up. It’s only been at least six months since he left South Korea, six months since he left Jinyoung, but it almost feels like six years had already passed.

Yet despite how much time had passed, his feelings remained the same. The same adoration he felt whenever he so much as sees Jinyoung’s smile is still there, pumping and pulsating from his heart.

“Come on, let’s get you home first.”

Rather, it grew even more – Daehwi’s feelings, that is. The moment Daehwi saw Jinyoung, he almost didn’t recognize the man. And now seated on the passenger seat right beside Jinyoung while the latter’s driving (_since when did he even learn how to drive?), _Daehwi notes how his hair grew longer – almost covering his eyes. His body got leaner (he did say he had been working out and the _godly_ results clearly shows). And if Daehwi’s not mistaken, he probably grew a couple of centimeters too (as if him being already taller than Daehwi isn’t enough).

Daehwi knew that Jinyoung really is handsome ever since the start, but he didn’t expect him to look _this _good.

Not that Daehwi likes him because of his looks. It’s just that, now Jinyoung looks so different that Daehwi’s feeling a whole lot of things – so much more than the last time they met – and he can’t deny that he’s utterly smitten, making it so hard for him to take his eyes away from the ethereal looking figure right beside him.

But at the same time, he keeps unconsciously questioning himself too, if it really was the Jinyoung he knew or not because never had he felt so inhibited until now.

“S-since when did you learn how to drive?” Daehwi inwardly reprimands himself because there is no way that he should even be stuttering.

“Around your birthday time, my dad made me get a driver’s license.” Jinyoung tells him. “I also reckoned it would be easier to pick you up this way instead of taking the cab.”

Daehwi nods – half comprehending Jinyoung’s words, half focused on how the older’s biceps flex with each turn he does.

_How many turns are there left before we reach the dorm—_Daehwi slaps himself loudly upon the realization and Jinyoung looks at him in surprise before stopping the car.

“What are you doing?” Jinyoung asks, removing Daehwi’s hand from his face to see the aftermath. Apparently, Daehwi had hit himself too hard that it put a slight mark on his cheek.

But then he needed it anyway, lest his thoughts will continue to spiral down into that corrupted field (as if he’s not corrupted enough).

“T-there was a bug, yeah, haha!” Daehwi laughs nervously, looking at everywhere but Jinyoung whose face is only an inch away from his. “But it flew so it’s okay. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt!”

“But your cheek got red—“ Daehwi flinches when he feels Jinyoung’s hand on his face and instinctively backs away. Realizing what he just did, Daehwi looks back at Jinyoung in guilt but it’s as if nothing happened that the latter just nods and smiles. “At least you’re not hurt.” He returns to his seat and continues driving as he says, “But before I drop you off to your dorm, we should eat dinner first so you can just rest after, yeah?”

Daehwi blinks his eyes repeatedly, trying to process what just happened and nods, “Okay.”

It wasn’t long before he and Jinyoung arrive at the _gopchang_ place near his dorm and Daehwi instantly feels nostalgic, being that it’s been a while since he’s been to the place.

But his thoughts suddenly go astray when Jinyoung suddenly grabs his hand as soon as he alights the car. “Let’s go?” Jinyoung drags him inside and unlike before when the male would sit opposite to him, this time, he takes the seat right beside Daehwi. “Here, let me do it.” Jinyoung takes the paper bib and ties it around Daehwi’s neck.

And Daehwi suddenly finds his patience being tested when he senses Jinyoung breathing on his nape.

_Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale. Inhale—_

“You still smell so good, Hwi.”

Daehwi shivers, hearing Jinyoung’s deep voice and he feels hot all over, his heart threatening to burst out of his chest. “H-hyung, what the hell—“

“Two sets of gopchang!” the staff suddenly comes over with their order and Daehwi just covers his flushed face in defeat.

“Hey, Hwi—“ Jinyoung peers over Daehwi and tries to remove his hands but the younger immediately pulls them back and smiles weakly.

“Let’s… Let’s just eat?”

Jinyoung opens his mouth as if to say something, but closes it nonetheless and nods. He then proceeds to cook the meat for them two while Daehwi just waits.

Waits and shifts on his seat, (_not_ so) subtly moving further away to put some space in between him and Jinyoung. The least he would want now is for the older to hear the ongoing chaos in his chest or for him to lose all self-control and attack Jinyoung senselessly.

It’s _that _severe.

Daehwi’s corrupted, he knows it, but the people around them don’t so he needs to behave like the innocent and fine young man that his mom raised him to be.

If Jinyoung noticed anything from his weird body language, he doesn’t say anything about it and instead, does what he does best which is to feed Daehwi and make sure that he’s eating a lot.

Or that’s what Daehwi thought, of course.

“Did I do something wrong?”

Which is kind of foolish if Daehwi thinks more about it since no matter how chill and lax Jinyoung looks, never let it be said that he’s dense and dumb. If any, he’s the exact opposite and he might’ve probably realized his feelings sooner than Daehwi did.

Not like Daehwi’s already come to accept his at that.

So he finds himself in the dark parking lot of their dorm with Jinyoung standing tall – _taller – _right in front of him, his face void of any emotion. Albeit, Daehwi knows Jinyoung more than he lets on and never had he felt smaller knowing that the older isn’t exactly at his best mood.

“W-what do you mean…” Daehwi looks at Jinyoung’s figure for a split second before he clears his throat and averts his gaze. “It’s nothing.”

“It’s definitely _not_ nothing.” Jinyoung snaps. “You wouldn’t act like that if nothing’s going on.”

“I told you, it’s nothing. I’m just tired—“

Daehwi attempts to turn away but before he can even take a mere step, he gets pushed against the car door and feels Jinyoung’s lips on his.

It was desirous and forceful, and Daehwi unconsciously clutches his hands onto Jinyoung’s shirt in a mixture of surprise and excitement. The older male slowly backs away when he feels Daehwi’s grip, face distorted into despondence. “I’m sorry, I… I just missed you much, Hwi.” Jinyoung rests his hands on each side of Daehwi – each an excruciating inch from his skin – and ducks his head in shame. “You don’t know how much I’ve been trying to stop myself from kissing you senseless since you arrived and yet… and yet you keep on avoiding me. I don’t even know why!” Jinyoung heaves a heavy sigh. “I know how you work, Hwi, and I know something’s wrong. Please, if I did something wrong, tell me… please let me fix this—“

Daehwi interrupts Jinyoung by grabbing his face and giving him a soft, gentle kiss. It was chaste, one where they both only breathed against each other’s lips, but it was more than enough to calm Jinyoung, his hands loosening in Daehwi’s arms.

And it was Daehwi’s turn to tense.

“I… I admit that I was avoiding you, but that was only because you look so… so beautiful that I didn’t know how to act around you. You grew taller, leaner, and just so damn hotter that I felt so conscious and so inhibited. It felt as if I’m not allowed to even breathe within a meter from you because you’re so good-looking and I’m just me!”

“Hwi—“

“My feelings just… overflowed when I saw you. If you only knew how hard it was for me to keep calm and contain my raging heartbeat whenever you so much as touch me, you would laugh so hard because believe it or not, it burns my skin and makes me so damn excited that I don’t even know what to do anymore!”

“Daehwi—“

“It’s driving me crazy, Jinyoung-hyung! _You’re_ driving me crazy! I haven’t even greeted you a happy birthday nor gave you my gift yet—“

“Lee Daehwi,” Jinyoung holds Daehwi’s face close to him and squishes his cheeks. “Greeting me doesn’t matter. You don’t even need to give me any birthday gift because _you_ are my gift—the best gift I could ever have.”

Daehwi’s lips quiver and his eyes turn glassy as he hold Jinyoung’s hands. “See! What should I do if you’re being like this?!”

“What do you mean what should—“

“I want to hug you, kiss you, make out until you and I both can’t breathe!”

“Then do it.”

“I know we’ve been doing it way before but how can I continue doing it when I just realized that only couples do that?!”

“But aren’t we?”

Pause.

“Aren’t we a couple already?”

Daehwi blinks his eyes a couple of times, staring back into Jinyoung’s confused ones before muttering, “we’re a couple?”

Jinyoung fake gasps and holds on to his chest dramatically. “I can’t believe that all this time, my feelings are just one-sided—“

“Shut up! How would I know when there wasn’t any verbal confirmation!” Daehwi punches him lightly and Jinyoung laughs.

That same laughter which calms and enthuses Daehwi at the same time.

That same laughter which gives him the assurance that everything is okay.

That _they_ are okay.

“Lee Daehwi, as a birthday gift to a humble man such as me, Bae Jinyoung,” Jinyoung says, holding Daehwi’s hands as he stares onto the younger’s eyes lovingly. “Will you officially be my boyfriend?”

The black speck within Daehwi disappears, melted and overwhelmed by those deep rich brown eyes who reflected nothing else but him.

“Happy birthday, Jinyoungie-hyung… and yes, I’ll be your boyfriend.” and with a big, bright smile, Daehwi whispers, “I love you.”

Wrapping him into a tight embrace, Jinyoung giggles and breathes, “I love you too.”

-

Opening his locker, a baby blue envelope greets Daehwi in its full pastel glory.

Yet despite hearing or reading stories about it online in passing (he had a phase where he got addicted to shoujo mangas – sue him), his soft spot for romcom webtoons never really prepared him for the actual thing.

And in his three years in university, he didn’t really expect to receive an actual one anyway.

Not when he already has someone who makes him happy.

So he just stares at it, scrutinizes the paper, and contemplates if he should read it or just burn it somewhere secluded in fear that his boyfriend might see it.

_There’s such a nice ring to it – boyfriend._

Daehwi’s never really seen Jinyoung get jealous or anything alike but the thought sure is fun and he feels a bit giddy. So he takes the paper and decides to give it a shot. After all, the sender probably spent time and effort to slip the paper in his locker without being seen – and maybe a crumb of courage and luck being that his locker is situated at the very exposed part of the hallway.

Yet before he can even open the said envelope, someone suddenly snatches it away from his hand. “Hey—“ the scrunch on his face eases when he sees Jinyoung inspecting the paper and instead, waits for the male’s reaction.

Mostly to see some kind of agitation.

“Ooh, someone has a secret admirer—how cute!”

Partly to disappoint himself.

_Why did I even bother anyway?_

Daehwi nicks the envelope back and opens it himself. “Hi Daehwi, if you’re free today after your last class at 4 pm, can you meet me at the music department rooftop… I’ll be waiting.”

“Huh, how did they even know that your last class is at 4?” Jinyoung asks but Daehwi shrugs since even he has no idea. “But kudos to the sender for having the courage to do that even though you already have a boyfriend.”

“It’s not like we’ve really made it official to everybody.”

“But it’s been two years already and well, it’s already like an open secret, isn’t it?”

It was true. During the two years that they’ve been together, there wasn’t really a need for them to make it official to everybody since ever since freshmen year, it’s always been Daehwi and Jinyoung or Jinyoung and Daehwi.

One never seen without the other.

Besides, there’s never a need to validate their relationship as long as they both know the truth.

As long as they’re both happy in love.

“But okay, what are you planning to do?”

Daehwi tucks the envelope in his bag and purses his lips. “I’m going to meet them later, of course.”

“What for?” Jinyoung asks, the scrunch on his eyebrows returning. “It’s not like there’s still a need for you to meet them, isn’t there?”

“No, there isn’t but I’d like to at least thank them for the thought?”

Jinyoung stays silent as they continue walking through the hallway. He was already a senior and was just passing some requirements for graduation so there really isn’t a need for him to be in school.

“Message me after you’re done then we can go home together?” he asks just like usual and Daehwi nods in response before the two of them part. Jinyoung has been oddly quiet the whole time but if he didn’t approve of Daehwi’s decision, he didn’t really say anything about it. Something tells Daehwi that Jinyoung might be bothered by it a tad but then he didn’t really want to assume and make a big deal out of it.

Thus, just as he initially planned, after class he finds himself walking up the stairs into the rooftop where his secret admirer supposedly is. On the way there he practices his lines of rejection, going along the lines of ‘it’s not you, it’s me’, ‘you’re nice, I’m sure you can find another’, and ‘I’m actually already contracted into a romantic partnership with someone named Bae Jinyoung’.

He decides on the third choice eventually since it’s really the case, but just as he enters the rooftop, he immediately gets the urge to turn back and run.

“Daehwi! You came!”

“Jaehwan-sunbae…” Daehwi calls rather awkwardly as he fakes a smile. “What are you… what are you doing here?” he asks, hoping that his intuition was wrong.

But of course, it isn’t. “I was the one who left the letter in your locker.”

Jaehwan approaches him in what Daehwi recognizes to be both excitement and giddiness that he almost feels bad knowing what was about to come. “Daehwi, actually I—“

“Sunbae, you’re really great and I absolutely admire you,” Daehwi breathes heavily and blurts out, “But I’ve never once looked at you in any way other than being my senior.” Jaehwan’s face falls and becomes void of any emotion. Daehwi takes this as a positive thing and continues, “I’m sure you’ll see someone better than me but I do hope we can continue being junior and senior—“

“Is it because of that bastard Jinyoung?”

_Bastard? _“I’m sorry… but what did you just say?”

“I knew it really, since you were both still freshmen, he had always intruded us. He just acted as if he only wants to be friends but he actually wants to be more than that. That bastard was also the reason why you and Choi Bomin broke up, right?” The nice and pleasant looking Jaehwan is no more. Instead, he scoffs and glares. “I can’t believe that you actually got fooled by him—“

“No, I can’t believe that I actually got fooled by _you_.” Daehwi snaps back, anger boiling from within. “I can’t believe that I actually thought you were nice but I guess looks really are deceiving.”

“I am nice! But have you ever even considered that?” Jaehwan takes a step forward and grabs Daehwi’s wrist. “No, you never! Because you’re so preoccupied with that asshole!”

“Let me go!” Daehwi tries to pull away but there’s a clear difference in terms of their strengths and in a futile attempt for self-preservation, he shuts his eyes closed and prepares to scream.

“Not until you—“

“Not until what?”

Daehwi’s eyes shoot open at the familiar voice. “Jinyoung-hyung…” almost in an instant, he feels Jaehwan’s hand yanked off from him and only sees Jinyoung’s back – his broad back which never fails to make him feel safe and secured.

His solid figure which never fails to make him feel protected and loved. 

“Jaehwan-sunbae, if you want to graduate peacefully without any problems, I suggest you stop this and just leave.” Jinyoung holds Daehwi’s hands tightly behind him as he says, “Besides, I don’t think you would want to see this bastard asshole get angry now, do you?”

Daehwi can’t see Jaehwan anymore but he can hear some faint mumblings – gibberish and trashy words not worth hearing – and in a few seconds, the door to the rooftop slams shut. As soon as there’s silence, Daehwi falls to his knees and slouches on the granite floor.

“Hwi, are you okay?” Jinyoung kneels beside him, watching as the younger’s eyes blink rapidly in an attempt to keep the waterworks from appearing. Daehwi doesn’t even get to answer when Jinyoung suddenly pulls him into a tight but gentle embrace. “Of course, you’re not. I’m so sorry for letting this happen. I should’ve stopped you earlier… I wanted to so, so bad.”

Daehwi breathes heavily and looks at him. “Then why didn’t you?”

“I didn’t want to control you. I don’t want you to stop doing things just because I told you to.” Jinyoung ducks his head and sighs. “I was so jealous, Hwi, but I didn’t want you to think badly of me because of that.”

“Jinyoung-hyung, you know I would never ever think badly of you.” Daehwi holds Jinyoung’s face and rubs his cheeks with his thumbs carefully. “No matter what you do, I’ll always accept and love you.”

Jinyoung closes his eyes and nestles Daehwi’s hands on his face. “I’ll be done with university next year but you still have a year left, and I’m so scared of this happening again.” Jinyoung sighs yet again and stares back. “But aside from that, I really just want to hog you all to myself… is that wrong?”

Daehwi chuckles as he shakes his head no. Almost instantly, Jinyoung stops sulking and holds Daehwi’s hands tightly. “If that’s the case, then do you want to just move in with me?”

Daehwi’s eyes widen a tad but immediately resurfaces when he sees Jinyoung’s eyes and drowns in its brown glimmer which showed nothing but pure sincerity. He didn’t need to think twice; he didn’t need to hesitate. So he smiles – that same Jinyoung-esque lax smile that reminds him of the slow, warm nights when they just bathed under the lights of the stars. The slow, warm nights when they just stayed beside each other in the balcony and drank beer till they were tipsy.

That same blithe smile which reminds him of the slow, warm nights when he first realized the meaning of contentment.

That same blithe smile which reminds him that everything is enough.

“Let’s live together.”

-

After graduation, right off the bat, Jinyoung got himself a job at a startup company and got a small but spacious enough condo for him and Daehwi, whereas the latter finally started his internship for his last year in university. Living together is rather a breeze in some way since they’ve always been together, save for when they had to sleep at different dorms. The expenses were divided as well – as per daehwi’s request (which almost resulted into an argument if Jinyoung didn’t acquiesce). Jinyoung wanted to take on everything, being that he’s the one who has a proper job, but Daehwi’s pride wouldn’t let him, of course.

Then again, there isn’t much of a difference from when they were still both university students. Given, there’s always Jinyoung nagging Daehwi to stop collecting stuff in his bag – something he has been doing since university anyway – but it’s nothing that they couldn’t compromise with a simple aegyo or kiss.

Everyday has just been so domestic and natural.

Yet despite feeling as if they’re an old aged couple, it doesn’t necessarily mean that there’s no complications.

“I’m home!”

Hearing the door to their flat open, Jinyoung immediately removes the oven mitt from his hands and rushes to the living room, tackling Daehwi into a big bear hug. “Hwi—“

“Remove the apron first!” Daehwi pushes him away gently and Jinyoung laughs in response. “You’ll dirty my shirt!”

“It doesn’t matter as long we love each other.”

“But it’s your turn to do the laundry this week.” Daehwi tilts his head while Jinyoung turns silent. “Okay, come here and hug me then—“

“On second thought, we should be more careful with our clothes from now on, yeah?” Jinyoung immediately backs away and yanks his apron off of him. He tosses it somewhere in their humble abode and pulls Daehwi in for a quick kiss. “Welcome home, babe. I missed you.”

Daehwi coos Jinyoung, “Oh really, now?” Jinyoung nods cutely and Daehwi giggles. “Poor Jinyoungie must be so sad.”

“But it’s okay since my baby’s already here.” Jinyoung squishes Daehwi’s cheeks in adoration.

Daehwi glares at him in response but moves on to the dining table nonetheless, putting his bag down and letting Jinyoung loosen his necktie for him. “So, have you eaten already?”

Jinyoung shakes his head and points to the pot idle on the stove. “I just finished cooking though. _Kimchi Jiggae_.”

“Wah, I’ve been craving for that for days now.”

“I know, that’s why I made it.” Daehwi’s eyes sparkle as he looks at his boyfriend giddily. Jinyoung proudly smiles at him but stills shortly when his stomach grumbles. Both he and Daehwi hold eye contact for exactly five seconds before Jinyoung laughs nervously.

“You should’ve eaten ahead, you don’t need to wait for me.” Daehwi frowns. “Sorry, I’ve always been working overtime even though I shouldn’t.”

“No, no, don’t say sorry, babe. It’s not your fault.” Jinyoung tells him. “But you said your mentor’s nice though?”

“They changed my mentor and he’s…” Daehwi trails off but eventually sighs. “He’s a terror. I don’t even know if he’s doing it on purpose or not.”

“My poor baby,” Jinyoung pulls Daehwi in his arms and hugs him, caressing the back of his head gently. “Maybe I should go to your office and give your mentor a taste of my punch.”

“Sure, do that if you don’t want me to graduate.”

“It’s fine, I’ll work double so I can take care of you.”

“But I do not date people who uses violence to solve things.”

Jinyoung admits defeat at this and laughs. “We’ll be together for a long time then.” He then smiles at Daehwi as he holds the younger’s face. “But let me know if he bothers you too much, okay?” Daehwi nods. “And promise me that no matter what, we’ll always eat dinner together.”

Daehwi purses his lips in thought and Jinyoung frowns. Eventually, Daehwi giggles and nods. “Okay, I promise.”

“Now that’s a good boy.” Jinyoung pats Daehwi’s head as he stands. “Go change your clothes and I’ll prepare the food.”

Most of the time Jinyoung gets home earlier but of course, being the loyal boyfriend he is, he never eats unless Daehwi’s with him. If Daehwi’s being honest, nobody can top Jinyoung’s stubbornness, but the more that he thinks about it, they’re actually just the same.

Since loving is all about accepting and loving each other’s flaws anyway.

“They don’t have _melona_ here. Should I just get chocolate for you, Hwi?”

After dinner, the two of them decided to cheat on their diets and splurge on some dessert. Yet that’s quickly forgotten when silence answers Jinyoung. As he doesn’t hear anything for the next five seconds, he turns to his side and sees Daehwi watching a tall man in suit at least two meters away from their location.

“Hwi, what’s—“

“My mentor’s here…!” Daehwi quickly whispers to him before standing upright and proper when the man finally takes notice of them both. “Sir Hwang, good evening!”

A flicker of surprise appears on the tall man’s face but only momentarily. “Daehwi-ssi, what are you doing out so late? Are you by yourself?”

“I’m actually with my boyfriend, sir. We were just—“

Before Daehwi can even do the introductions for him, Jinyoung quickly places an arm around the younger’s waist and reaches out with his other free hand. “I’m Bae Jinyoung, Daehwi’s boyfriend.”

Daehwi’s mentor stares at Jinyoung a tad too longer than Daehwi’s liking, his eyes littering between them two, but he eventually takes Jinyoung’s hand and shakes it once. “Hwang Hyunjin, Daehwi-ssi’s mentor as you may already know.” He gives out a small smile. “Nice to meet you, Jinyoung-ssi.”

“Likewise.” Jinyoung simply says, not breaking the eye contact.

It wasn’t subtle at all, how Jinyoung’s hold on him gets tighter and tighter with each second that his mentor’s standing in front of them. They aren’t even any other words exchanged between them, but even the densest being can clearly see the uncanny air around them.

Needless to say, Daehwi gets enough of both his mentor’s face as well as Jinyoung’s unnecessary competitive spirit. “Uh… we’re going ahead now, sir. Please take care on your way home.”

Hyunjin nods. “That goes to you two as well.”

Jinyoung gives out a curt one before pulling Daehwi with him towards the entrance – their ice creams completely forgotten. On the way back to their place, neither of them speak nor make any mention of the sudden encounter. Daehwi knows Jinyoung must’ve been bothered by it, but he doesn’t ask only because he’s putting a 5% marginal error in his judgment.

Then again, as usual, Jinyoung never fails to prove that Daehwi really does know him more than he lets on.

“So he’s the mentor who’s been tormenting you at work,” Jinyoung unravels the sheet mask and carefully puts it on Daehwi’s face. Once Daehwi’s mask is properly affixed, he puts his on as well and stares at the mirror to set it. “He looks horrid.”

Daehwi pulls Jinyoung towards the living room and sits down. Once he’s comfortable, he taps his thighs and Jinyoung quickly lays down beside him, his head comfortable on Daehwi’s legs. “Really now?” Daehwi says, fixing Jinyoung’s mask so it doesn’t wet his fringe since his face is _that_ small.

“Fine, maybe he is a _bit_ decent,” Jinyoung purses his lips. “But I’m definitely more fetching, aren’t I?”

Jinyoung puts his hands under his face and beams. Daehwi just laughs. “Sure you are, Mr. Fancy.”

With their desserts already forgotten, Daehwi and Jinyoung just opted to spend their remaining free time by pampering their skins. Jinyoung isn’t really one to religiously do skin care, but as like other couples who share hobbies, he eventually picked it up from Daehwi and even came to like it voluntarily. Daehwi’s not complaining, of course, since not only did it make Jinyoung forget about Hyunjin – preventing a possible argument from happening – but he can also peacefully and calmly rest with his love.

“Hey Hwi?”

“Hm?”

“Do you remember your gift to me two years ago? Back when you just got back from the exchange student program in California?”

Daehwi nods. “What about it?”

“I actually haven’t gotten to chance to ask you… or rather, I always keep on forgetting but there’s one thing I’ve always been curious of.” Jinyoung pulls one of Daehwi’s hand and stares at it, plays with it just like how he usually does since according to him, Daehwi’s hand is his favorite. “How come you wrote ‘like’ there instead of love?” he looks at Daehwi and pouts. “All of the notes there says, ‘I like you because your face is so small’, ‘I like you because your neck is so long’, ‘I like you because you look like a cat’… I mean, I’m not complaining even if you just subtly dissed me—“

“Hey, those are not disses!”

“Sure, they aren’t.” Jinyoung snorts. “Kidding aside, I love it. I really do. It’s the most unique and special gift I’ve ever received from anybody… but I’m just curious if back then, you didn’t love me yet.”

Daehwi watches as Jinyoung continuously rub and just fiddle with his hand, both focused and amazed. He stares at how the light of the room brightly illuminates the depth of Jinyoung’s brown eyes, making him look frail and delicate.

His heart drives, skips a beat or two and he lets his body move on its own, following what seems so innate to him by lowering his head down to meet Jinyoung’s lips with his.

Jinyoung flinches a tad in surprise, but naturally kisses back. “Hm?” he asks, staring at Daehwi’s face hovering just an inch above his.

“I love you even back then… or who knows, maybe even way before that,” Daehwi says. “But back then, I didn’t want to overwhelm you. I didn’t want to be too much so I wrote ‘like’ instead of ‘love’.”

“You know you can never be too much for me.” Jinyoung lifts his head and smooches Daehwi’s lips. “Rather, I’ll never get enough of you.”

“Then I’ll repeat everything and say them to you verbally from now on – the reasons why I love you.” Daehwi runs his free hand on Jinyoung’s hair as the latter smiles in contentment.

“I’d like that,” Jinyoung smiles. “No, I’d _love _that.”

“To start off, I _love_ you because you made me taste the essence of a cactus sheet mask for the first time and I have to admit, it tastes fairly decent.”

The two of them burst out in laughter. After a while, Jinyoung grabs Daehwi’s hand from his head and tells him, “Hwi, I’ll hold your hand.”

“You don’t have to ask, you know.”

“Yeah, but I want to.” Jinyoung clasps their hands together and places a kiss on the younger’s knuckles. “I want you to know that I always want to hold you and that I always want to be with you.”

Jinyoung holds Daehwi’s hand tightly and rests it on his chest.

Daehwi feels Jinyoung’s heart, beating steadily and loudly with each passing second, and he almost feels overwhelmed. They were just idling, letting time pass by before them. It’s very simple, how the two of them are just snuggled together, but it’s what Daehwi always looks forward to the most.

Being with Jinyoung.

Because being with jinyoung will always be enough for him.

And at the end of each day, the truth remains the same, that whatever Daehwi does, as long as it’s with Jinyoung, he is and will always be happy.

“I love you because I’m always my happiest when I’m with you.”

-

Every day Daehwi has been walking on cloud nine.

How would he not when every single day, he’s living the life of a prince – always served and always taken care of. Supposedly, living together would mean that they would take care of each other, but Daehwi feels as if he’s the only one being taken care of.

Then again, Jinyoung could only be doing the bare minimum and Daehwi’s still going to coo and adore him like nobody else.

Jinyoung’s presence is enough to make him feel complete.

_I’m sorry I’m running late today.  
I prepared cereal for you to eat before you go to work. _

_Xoxo love_

Or so he thought.

Daehwi looks at the lone bowl of cereal on the dining table where a likewise lone milk carton’s standing tall next to it.

And it’s safe to say that he doesn’t start his day right by plastering a big, fat, ugly frown on his face.

Daehwi isn’t entirely a brat – okay, maybe he is – and he understands that Jinyoung can be busy too. If any, he’s grateful that Jinyoung’s even putting up with him, knowing that he can be so needy at times – _most_ of the time.

But it was a special day. There were times that Jinyoung had left earlier than him because of work but the least he expected was for them to eat together that morning because it was a special day.

_It’s our anniversary today._

Every year they celebrated it together, be it just dining at some fancy restaurants or just play and go sightseeing – it was a necessity for them both to spend that day together.

Yet now, looking at Jinyoung’s note – which was obviously written in a haste – Daehwi couldn’t digest the fact that the older didn’t even address the occasion.

Or to make things worse, it’s possible that he might’ve also forgotten about it.

Daehwi shakes his head hard as he enters the office, silently reprimanding himself for even thinking that Jinyoung can forget about it when every year, he’s always the one giddy about celebrating it. Surely, there must be a reason why he’s off today.

“_You _look off.”

Daehwi’s head shoots up and sees his mentor, Hyunjin, standing by his desk. He places a stack of paper – presumably extra work for Daehwi – and he almost lets a very excruciating groan slip by.

“Good morning, sir,” Daehwi greets in response. “But what do you mean—“

“You don’t look okay. Something’s off with you.” Hyunjin takes a glimpse of him before going back to his work. “Is… something the matter?”

Daehwi stops, eyes affixed at his mentor who just went back to his station – which was situated just a couple meters behind Daehwi’s – and has his brain moving at an unhealthy speed earlier than the norm. Only because for the months he’d been working under Hyunjin, never did the male ask about anything unrelated to work.

But that doesn’t mean that he can’t and that he shouldn’t. _There’s always a first for everything anyway. _“Oh no, I’m okay. Maybe it’s just malnutrition.” Daehwi jokingly says but this only catches Hyunjin’s attention more.

“Doesn’t your boyfriend take care of you?”

Daehwi almost pauses but proceeds to sit down by his station with a forced laugh. “He does and he’s the best!” he answers a little too loudly, unsure of why he feels the need to. “It’s just he couldn’t cook breakfast this morning because of work and I’m left to eat cereal by myself. I guess I phrased it the wrong way.”

While Daehwi’s forcing himself to laugh, Hyunjin just nods and simply replies, “I see. Good for you then.”

The air suddenly turns silent and Daehwi reckons he’d just busy himself with work. His mentor did give him extra work today – a lot more than the usual – so it’s a little help to keep him distracted. Plus, Jinyoung will be picking him up at work that day anyway, so there’s still something to look forward to despite starting his day with a disappointment.

Hwi, did you bring an umbrella?  
**17:49**

Sorry, I don’t think I can pick you up tonight.  
I might be staying overtime.  
Let me know once you’re done and I’ll book a cab for you.  
**17:50**

Or he might be ending it the same way too.

As he reads Jinyoung’s message, he hears the sudden pitter patter in his surroundings and proceeds to see the arbitrary downpour all over the town. The dark gray skies already took over the horizon and the lights from different buildings started striking up one by one.

“Daehwi-ssi, I think it’s best if you go home for the day. It looks like it will be raining all night.” Hyunjin disrupts his train of thoughts as he peers over the male to see him still at his station.

Daehwi actually thought of just staying behind to catch up with more work since as much as he’d hate to admit it, there won’t be anyone at home anyway. But he looks back at the glass window and sees how unrelenting the rain is, large droplets, trickling and pelting through.

“Thank you, sir. I’ll be going ahead then.” Daehwi collects his stuff and stands up from his station. Before exiting the room, he stops by Hyunjin’s desk and bows. “You should go home too, sir. Be safe.”

Hyunjin only nods in return and Daehwi deems it as his cue to leave.

I’m otw home now so no need to schedule a cab for me  
**18:10**

You sure?  
I’m really sorry, babe  
I’ll make it up to you, I promise  
**18:10**

Just try to go home earlier, please?  
**18:10**

I’ll try  
see you at home later  
**18:11**

Fortunately, as soon as he gets out of the company lobby, a vacant cab is already there at his convenience so he doesn’t get wet from the rain. Although, he tries not to, his eyes do get moist. Daehwi isn’t really one to cry so easily, but the gloomy weather became a catalyst to his already despondent self, feeling as if he’s in a drama music video as the cab makes its way around the town.

He blames himself for being so needy and finicky; he blames himself for getting so used to being pampered that when things don’t go the way they used to, he takes it so hard. He knows that they’re both busy and that they can still celebrate it on another day, but sitting alone inside the cab, enduring the silence with the pitter patter of the rain at a very cold temperature of 8 degrees Celsius, Daehwi just feels excessively isolated that the tears just work their ways along his eyelids to produce an unwanted glimmer.

A glimmer that unreasonably reflects his disappointment and frustration at just about everything.

Daehwi blames everything – himself included – but never Jinyoung, of course. Never would he blame Jinyoung. Even if Jinyoung did really forget, he doesn’t dwell too much on it as his mind just automatically comes up with all possible reasons and excuses for the male. He just knows and is sure that there’s a good legitimate reason. Call him dumb or stupid, but he’s in love and no matter what Jinyoung does, he’ll still love him.

That’s just how strong his faith in him is.

So reaching the flat at the end of the 4th floor, Daehwi decides to take initiative and cook dinner for the first time, knowing that Jinyoung will come home later than him.

090317

Daehwi enters the passcode to their flat – their anniversary – and silently enters, turning on the lights. Yet contrary to seeing a cold, empty space, he’s greeted by red and white heart shaped balloons hanging on the ceiling, as well as rose petals scattered on the floor, creating a heart shape trail. He’s still by the door, obviously shocked and dumbfounded, but all the negative and ugly thoughts inside of him just suddenly disappear, trounced by the fanciful sight before him.

A cough out of nowhere snaps him off of his reverie and he notices a paper stuck in the middle of the heart trail.

_Happy second anniversary, love. Stand still here!_

He knows what’s happening and isn’t entirely clueless, but it’s as if his mind is finding it hard to believe that his mouth is still agape, observing and trying to take everything in as it is.

And when he’s finally in the middle, he hears footsteps coming from the bedroom, followed by the voice of the person he’d been longing to see the whole day.

너를 만난 그 이후로

사소한 변화들에 행복해져

눈이 부시게 빛 나는 아침

너를 떠올리며 눈 뜨는 하루

식탁 위에 마주 앉아

너의 하루는 어땠는지 묻거나

_After I met you_

_I’ve been happy with small changes_

_In the dazzling morning_

_I open my eyes by thinking of you_

_I sit face to face with you at the table_

_I ask about your day_

나의 하루도 썩 괜찮았어

웃으며 대답해 주고 싶어

별것 아닌 일에 맘이 통할 때면

익숙해진 서로가 놀라웠어

널 사랑해

_Or my day was pretty good_

_I want to answer with smile_

_When we understand each other about little things_

_I was surprised with the fact that we got used to each other_

_I love you_

A smile erupts on Daehwi’s face as he comes face to face with Jinyoung, holding a cake that says: Happy second anniversary! His voice is ragged as he sings and the nervousness is very apparent, but Daehwi listens and doesn’t take his gaze away.

너를 만나 참 행복했어

나 이토록 사랑할 수 있었던 건

아직 어리고 모자란 내 맘

따뜻한 이해로 다 안아줘서

_I was so happy after meeting you_

_I was able to love you so much_

_Because you embraced and understood_

_My young and immature mind warmly_

나를 만나 너도 행복하니

못 해준 게 더 많아서 미안해

이기적이고 불안한 내가

너에게만은 잘하고 싶었어

오랫동안 나 기다려온

완벽한 사랑을 찾은 것 같아

날 잡아줘서 힘이 돼줘서

소중한 배려로 날 안아줘서

_Are you happy after meeting me, too?_

_I’m sorry that I have more that I couldn’t give you_

_I’m selfish and unstable_

_But I wanted to treat you well I think_

_I found a perfect love_

_That I’ve been waiting for a long time_

_Because you held me and gave me energy_

_Because you hugged me by being considerate lovingly_

Jinyoung gestures to Daehwi and they blow the cake together.

“Just like now when it’s peaceful, I want to be with you forever.”

Jinyoung puts down the cake on the dining table before turning back to Daehwi. “Happy second anniversary, Daehwi—“ he doesn’t even get to finish his greeting as Daehwi immediately tackles him into a tight hug.

“I thought you forgot!” Daehwi cries, voice muffled against Jinyoung’s neck as the tears that he’s been trying so hard to suppress suddenly appear. “I was so dejected the whole day for not seeing you and then you weren’t saying anything too. I was so scared and disappointed thinking that you really forgot and I was so heartbroken! I… I—“

“I’m so sorry, babe, I didn’t mean to scare you. I just wanted to surprise you.” Jinyoung laughs, stroking the back of Daehwi’s head gently. “I want it to be perfect that’s why I couldn’t say anything.”

Daehwi pulls away and says, “This is already perfect to me.” He pauses and shakes his head. “No, _you’re_ perfect to me.”

Jinyoung smiles weakly as he wipes the tears on Daehwi’s face. “Actually, it’s not done yet.”

Daehwi looks at him questioningly but the confusion turns into disbelief when Jinyoung suddenly kneels down on one knee in front of him, all the while pulling a small velvet maroon box. Daehwi’s heart starts hammering in his chest and he feels dizzy, unable to believe what he’s seeing. “Jinyoung-hyung, what the hell are you—“

“I know I’m lacking in a lot of areas and that there’s a whole world out there who deserves you more,”

“Jinyoung-hyung…”

“But I love you, so, so much and I know that you’re the only one who can complete me.”

Jinyoung breathes heavily as he opens the box with his trembling hands, revealing a white golden band with a single small diamond stud at the center.

“Lee Daehwi, will you marry me?”

Daehwi doesn’t even need to think, nor does he take the time to answer as he immediately nods, covering his mouth with his hands, letting more tears come.

Jinyoung’s eyes widen, and he blinks rapidly when Daehwi doesn’t speak. “Is that… is that a yes?”

Daehwi nods and Jinyoung immediately pulls him in his arms, his eyes likewise getting moist. They just hug each other for a whole minute, both relishing in the warmth of their embrace, both trying to take in the realness of the exultant result. It was one of those times when words aren’t needed, those times when actions speak louder than words.

And it was enough to keep Daehwi intact and believe that everything is real.

It was enough for him to know that he’s right to believe _in_ Jinyoung.

Daehwi sniffs and laughs, wiping both his and Jinyoung’s tears away. “I’m sorry I couldn’t speak, I’m just… so, so overwhelmed, so happy that there’s no words enough to properly convey it.” He holds Jinyoung’s face and tiptoes for a kiss. “I love you, Bae Jinyoung, and I will marry you and live a happy life with you.”

Jinyoung smiles, brighter than anything he’d shown before. “Hwi, thank you. Thank you for believing in me, for trusting me.” He then rests his forehead against Daehwi’s as he whispers, “Thank you for _loving_ me.”

-

It was the most fulfilling dinner Daehwi had, to say the least, even as their menu only consisted of semi burnt barbecue wraps. Apparently, Jinyoung had been too preoccupied with setting up the whole surprise stage that he forgot that he was actually making dinner at the same time. It wasn’t totally burnt per se, but Daehwi’s sure that if Gordon Ramsay were to see it, he’d flip the table and maybe sue Jinyoung for burning good meat.

Then again, Daehwi’s not Gordon Ramsay and he’d choose Jinyoung’s cooking over any fancy chef there is.

It was the first time for Jinyoung to mess up cooking, and he made up for it with Daehwi’s favorite cake anyway. Surely, it was better than any dinner he’d had in a while.

“When did you even start planning your surprise?” Daehwi asks, pulling the duvet so he can lay down on the bed. “How come I never noticed you planning any of it?”

Jinyoung follows suit, tucking himself under the covers right beside Daehwi. “Of course you wouldn’t notice because I didn’t let you notice.”

Daehwi rolls his eyes playfully. “You’re so finicky, seriously. You didn’t have to do any of those mushy stuff.”

“Yeah, but I want to. You deserve more than that, my love.” Jinyoung says. “You deserve everything.” Daehwi looks at him and smiles, snuggling his head into the older’s arms. “Imagine, in probably two to three years time, when we’re both stable, we’ll move into a house, get married and adopt a dog.”

“But you’re allergic to fur.”

“Doesn’t matter.”

“Then I want a cat.”

“Don’t worry, we’ll adopt both.”

“What about kids?” Daehwi asks. “I want a daughter. What about you?”

Jinyoung places a kiss on the crown of Daehwi’s head and nuzzles it. “I’ll love whoever you love. If you want a daughter, then we’ll adopt a princess.” He runs his fingers through Daehwi’s hair and says, “I wish this moment lasts forever.”

“It will.”

Daehwi sits up, looks at Jinyoung, and sees his being reflected in his deep, brown eyes.

And he melts, drowns into the depths of the latter’s existence.

Daehwi kneels on top of Jinyoung, holds his face carefully, and captures the older’s lips, kissing and breathing him in deeply, solidly, and fully. Jinyoung holds his waist gently, slowly reaching down to fondle his behind and Daehwi gasps. “J-Jinyoung-hyung—“ Jinyoung takes this as his chance to dominate, pulling Daehwi’s body closer, unwilling to put any space in between them before switching their positions so he’s on top.

Daehwi grips Jinyoung’s shirt just as he feels the older sucking on the sweet spot on the crook of his neck, and the older only pulls away when he sees the bright red mark on the younger’s pale, pristine skin.

“You’re so beautiful, Hwi…” Jinyoung whispers before licking and nipping Daehwi’s bright red ear. “I love you so much.”

Daehwi shudders in response and Jinyoung briefly pulls away to remove his shirt, but doesn’t waste any second and quickly goes back to the younger’s lips, licking, nibbling, and just breathing him in pure need and desire. While Daehwi’s hands litter Jinyoung’s broad back, the older’s slip inside his shirt, trailing gently along his sensitive skin, turning it ablaze, and eliciting a soft moan from him which sounds just like the sweetest melody to Jinyoung.

“I… love you too.”

The rawest white spans within them both slowly fade and become engulfed in different tones and shades.

All belonging to each other.

The colors of Daehwi and Jinyoung.

Arms and limbs tangled in places unknown, short and deep breaths warmed up the dark room, Sweet nothings come off as music, and kisses paint their burning, needy bodies.

It was a first for them both. The first time to divulge a vastness that has yet to be discovered, but it wasn’t worrying. There isn’t any fear.

It wasn’t like any other times when they made out – there isn’t any urgency nor is there any reserve. Each touch was slow, each second seemingly becoming gold while they relish each other’s warmth.

Each second deemed so dear and precious in hopes of making it last.

It’s come to a point where even if they drown and sink in the process, even if they’re against all odds, they wouldn’t care. Nothing mattered but each other’s presence and feelings. The emotions are just too far beyond the surface where only comfort and love are there.

And knowing that there’s a whole lifetime waiting for them, knowing that they’re going to build their futures together, knowing that they are together and will be together at every step of the way, everything is sweeter.

Everything is realer.

Everything is just where they should be.


	3. Break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jinyoung will never _not_ break him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **DISCLAIMER: DONUT BLOCK ME ON TWITTER PLEASE.**
> 
> Anyway, this will be the last chapter that I'll be posting in a while lolol  
I'm so busy with packing and going to places that I couldn't continue writing chapter 4.  
But I promise, I'll finish this for sure when I get back, so stay tuned for that!  
AS FOR THE ENDING, lololol idk what to do with it yet HAHAHAHAHA
> 
> SEE YOU ALL SOON! SHOUT AT ME IN THE COMMENTS OR ON TWT! I WOULD LOVE SEE HOW Y'ALL WILL REACT HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
> 
> PS: shoutout to user **flowardropped**, who always comments on my stories but refuses to reply, can you please just be moots with me on twt because I would love to talk to you but I can't ever in here because you don't respond to my replies u botch uwu or maybe we're moots already idk just TALK TO ME

**[Nothing Without You](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ztMDj09Ir4) \- AB6IX**

* * *

Please listen to the chapter song for extra feels uwu

**Never Not_ Break_**

“Sweetie, I’m not going to force you into anything but I still want you to consider it as well.” Mrs. Lee takes Daehwi’s hands and hugs him tightly. “It’ll be a great opportunity for sure.”

Daehwi breathes heavily, tries to take in a deep whiff of his mother’s scent before letting go with a smile. “I’ll think about it, mom.” He tells her. “Make sure to enjoy your new life with uncle in California though.”

“For sure.” The last call for the flight going to LAX suddenly comes up and Mrs. Lee takes it as her cue to leave. “Well then, don’t forget to message me always, alright? Take care of yourself and Jinyoung!” a tall gentleman takes Mrs. Lee’s hand as they walk side by side each other until their figures disappear into the distance.

And Daehwi’s left with a lot of things.

Melancholic and Confusing things.

It has been a while since he found out about the long term relationship of his mom with another Korean who was based in Los Angeles, and has been at least a month since they got married. It wasn’t a surprise to be honest; he had already seen it coming. Daehwi’s well aware of the happiness that appears in his mother’s eyes whenever she’s with her then boyfriend-now husband and he ain’t complaining nonetheless. He knows that his late father would’ve wanted his mom to be happy too.

Mrs. Lee’s happiness is his and his dad’s happiness after all.

It just feels kind of saddening how after being with his mom for his whole life, she’s now moving on to another chapter of her life with her newfound love. Meaning, she’s migrating to California – thousands of miles away from where Daehwi lives in South Korea.

And more than that, she left him with a lot of things that he has yet to consider.

“Love, you’re back?” Jinyoung’s voice greets Daehwi just as he enters their flat. Daehwi looks up and sees Jinyoung taking his bag from him. As soon as he changes into slippers, Daehwi tiptoes and gives Jinyoung a quick smooch whilst cupping his cheeks. “Welcome home.” Jinyoung greets.

“Have you eaten already?”

Jinyoung nods and puts down Daehwi’s bag on one of the dining chairs. “And you?”

“Mom, uncle, and I had dinner before their flight so I’m good.” Daehwi takes off his coat and says, “You go ahead and rest, I’ll just wash up first.”

“Wash up quickly, okay?” Jinyoung yawns as he goes back to their bedroom and Daehwi chuckles. Just as he’s told, Daehwi does a quick shower in no less than twenty minutes – a feat considering it usually takes him an hour on a daily basis. Then again, he’s tired and is in dire need of rest.

Most especially Jinyoung’s cuddles.

So after making sure that he gets to at least smell pleasant enough for bed, Daehwi quickly finishes prepping himself up and joins Jinyoung in their bedroom, sitting by the edge of the bed – right in front of the wall mirror to dry his hair. He takes the blow dryer from the cabinet but before he can even plug the contraption, a hand grabs it and does it before him.

“I’ll do it,” Jinyoung pats the space beside him and Daehwi obliges. In a matter of seconds, he feels the cool air against his skin and he almost shivers, but giggles instead when Jinyoung covers his nape with his free hand.

Daehwi feels light and warm, feels as if he’s afloat, feeling utter comfort in this domestic setting they’re in. He sees Jinyoung’s face very focused on drying his hair through their wall mirror. He sees how the male’s eyebrows would scrunch every now and then whenever he sees a tangle in Daehwi’s hair. He sees how his mouth is agape – just like how it usually is when he’s in awe or fixated on something.

And it’s something that Daehwi can’t live without. He knows that being able to see each and every expression that Jinyoung makes every day is something that would complete his day.

And he gathers that there’s nothing to consider really because he knows what he wants.

Just like how he knows what he can’t live without.

“So how was aunty earlier? Did she cry?” Jinyoung asks behind him, still fixated on Daehwi’s head. “But no, if someone were to cry, that would be you—“

“I didn’t cry, dummy.” Daehwi cuts him off, elbowing him lightly in the gut as Jinyoung fakes a cough which the former just ignores.

“It’s about time for aunty to settle down with uncle, right?”

Daehwi nods. “More than that, I can see that mom’s happy, and as long as she’s happy, I am too.”

Jinyoung rubs Daehwi’s nape with his thumb before stamping it with a kiss. “And if you’re happy, then I am too.”

Daehwi bites his lips, contemplating whether to just drop the thought, but decides otherwise when he hears the dryer turning off. “Jinyoung-hyung,” Daehwi runs a hand through his hair, feeling it dry and silky as he watches Jinyoung keeping the dryer in their cabinet. “Mom actually asked if I wanted to come and live with them in California.”

Jinyoung stops abruptly and looks at Daehwi through the mirror, his eyes short of nothing but confusion. “What?” Jinyoung spats, the dryer long forgotten as it drops onto the floor with a thud.

And Daehwi immediately regrets his course of action. Sure, they have a verbal agreement that no secrets shall be kept between them, but he, of all people, should know that Jinyoung wouldn’t take it well. Then again, it’s something that he wants to share with him, something that he _should _tell him.

Besides, it’s not like he’ll be leaving anytime soon.

“You’re going to California? Why?” Jinyoung asks as Daehwi pulls him up to sit on the bed beside him. “You’re… you’re leaving me?”

“No, no, love. I would never do that.” Daehwi cups Jinyoung’s face gently to calm him. Fortunately, Jinyoung lets him do so and holds on to his hand. “My mom asked me if I wanted to go to graduate school there since uncle might be able to finance my schooling—“

“And isn’t that one of the things you’re looking into?”

Daehwi can perfectly see the anxiousness in Jinyoung’s eyes and a part of him feels heavy, knowing that he was the one who caused such anxiety to his special person. “I won’t deny my interest to study again, but I don’t exactly have plans. I’m usually like that, right? You, of all people, should know that.” He takes Jinyoung’s hand and squeezes it. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

“But it’s a great opportunity though.” Jinyoung retorts. “If you stay here, you’ll only work. If you go there, you’ll get to do what you want—“ He gets cut off when Daehwi kisses him. It was a soft and gentle kiss – a calm one – but Jinyoung sighs in contentment and kisses the latter back. It lasts for a brief while before Daehwi backs away and pulls Jinyoung into a tight hug.

“And what I want is to be with you.”

Jinyoung stares at Daehwi with his big, beady eyes and smiles. It was a lull moment but both of them perfectly understood the situation. Both of them felt the mutual feelings they shared.

“No matter how great of an opportunity that is, it won’t matter if I’m not with you.” Daehwi whispers into Jinyoung’s ear when the latter rests his head on his shoulder. He pats Jinyoung’s head steadily while the latter clutches onto his waist as if afraid of letting go.

Just like how Daehwi’s afraid of leaving Jinyoung.

Just like how Daehwi’s incapable of being apart from him.

“Hwi, promise me you won’t leave me.”

Kissing Jinyoung’s forehead, Daehwi nods and embraces him tightly. “I promise, I won’t.”

Because he would give anything just to have Jinyoung in his arms forever.

-

“Good morning, love.”

Daehwi’s eyes flutter open as he meets Jinyoung’s big, brown ones, and he beams, suddenly woke upon seeing his most special person’s face. “Good morning, hyung—“ he doesn’t get to finish his morning greeting though as Jinyoung immediately smothers his face with light kisses. “Hey, what gives—“ and ends it with a full kiss on his lips. Daehwi closes his eyes and wraps his arms around Jinyoung’s neck to pull him closer, wanting more of his kiss. Before it can even turn into a full makeout session however, the latter quickly pulls away, causing Daehwi to whimper at the loss of touch.

“Go brush your teeth first, your mouth tastes like a dead rat.”

“But you love the taste of a dead rat.”

“No, I don’t?”

Daehwi pulls him in for another smooch. Jinyoung was only about to open his mouth to deepen the kiss but Daehwi abruptly pulls away, making the older’s face instinctively follow after him.

“Say that again,” Daehwi smirks. “You don’t?”

Jinyoung’s face glows in pink as he clears his throat. “I stand corrected. I actually do, but,” he stands up and gives Daehwi a look. “You really need to wash up or else we’ll be late again today.”

Daehwi chuckles in response but nods nonetheless. He halts however when he sees his phone lighting up and immediately fiddles with it.

“Who’s that?”

“Mom. She’s just checking as usual.”

Jinyoung’s eyes linger on his phone for a brief while before he nods. “Well, come out after you’re done. Breakfast will be cold.”

Daehwi nods and proceeds to reply to his mom. Once he’s done, he puts his phone down and walks out into the dining room where Jinyoung’s currently setting up the table – all groomed up into his office suit and matching pink apron.

And seeing such image right before his eyes, Daehwi just can’t help but smile in contentment. His mentor is becoming more lenient at work, and the weather lately is just right with how fall is just slowly transitioning into winter. Then again, it should actually already be fairly cold with winter just barely around the corner, but he doesn’t feel any of it. Instead, he just feels warm. As if every day is made up of sunshine and rainbows, of peace and calm.

Every day is always a happy day when you have a Bae Jinyoung as your fiancée.

“I made too much today so I packed some for when you get hungry later.” Jinyoung sets down a small purple lunch box on the table and taps it. “Or you can just eat it again for lunch so you don’t have to go out. How’s that?”

Jinyoung grins proudly and Daehwi falls harder than ever.

He feels as if he’s living his prime.

As Jinyoung washes their dishes after eating, Daehwi walks up to him from behind and gives him a back hug tightly. “Thank you, Jinyoung-hyung.” Daehwi mutters, resting his head on the male’s broad shoulder. “Thank you for coming into my life.”

Jinyoung freezes for a few seconds, surprised at the sudden gesture. Dropping the sponge and removing his gloves, he turns back to Daehwi and places a kiss on the crown of the younger’s head lovingly. “No Hwi, thank _you_ for coming into my life.”

It had already been three and a half years since Daehwi and Jinyoung officially got into a relationship and at least two years since they started living together, but the domestic life has been nothing short of pure bliss and giggles. If one thinks about it, being together for almost four years can lessen the spark and flame of a relationship, especially since being with each other has already become so natural that people tend to take things for granted.

But never Daehwi and Jinyoung.

“If we were to be celestial bodies, you’d be the earth and I’d be the moon.”

“Why?” Daehwi snorts. “Because just like the moon, you light up my world?”

Jinyoung shakes his head triumphantly. “Just like how the moon revolves around the earth, you, Lee Daehwi, are _my_ world.”

Two years into living in, they still make it a customary to shop for groceries together. Two years into their cohabitation, Daehwi and Jinyoung still makes it an obligation for both of them to eat dinner together.

And almost four years into their relationship, they still kiss each other goodnights and whisper ‘I love you’s just like the first time.

Because even though they may not be each other’s firsts, they always want to make each other their lasts.

“Say, Hwi,”

“Hm?”

“If you ever really went to America with aunty, what would you be doing right now?”

Daehwi stills, startled by the question.

“Why are you suddenly asking?”

The room is dim, with only the light from the moon serving as their only source of illumination. Daehwi and Jinyoung are right beside each other on the bed, taking comfort in each other’s presence as they wait for the drowsiness to come by. He takes a glance towards his side and notes the blank look on Jinyoung’s face. It was solemn and expressionless and Daehwi would’ve doubted for a moment, had he not seen the sparkles that are still very much apparent in the lad’s eyes.

“No reason in particular.” Jinyoung replies. “I’m just thinking… you’ve already been to America, right?” Daehwi nods. “If you were to go back, you’d already be used to it. You won’t have a hard time adjusting. You’ll probably be studying again. You’ll probably enjoy it. You’ll be better—“

“I’ll be worse if I go there.” Daehwi finishes Jinyoung’s statement for him and turns to his side to stare at the latter. “And to answer your question, I’d probably be in _our _apartment just lazing around.”

A blithe smile creeps up on Jinyoung’s face as he turns back to Daehwi, matching that of his gaze. “_Our _apartment?”

“Of course, then we’d just be laying like this… side by side each other as we wait for the sleepiness to come pick us up.”

“You’re going to bring me to America with you?”

“Not only America, my love. I’m going to take you anywhere as long as I can keep you by my side.”

Jinyoung gazes at Daehwi for a while – silence overruling the darkness of the night – before he blows a stray eyelash off of the latter’s cheek, replacing it with a soft kiss.

“Daehwi?”

“Jinyoung-hyung?”

“You know I love you, right?”

Daehwi pouts his lips and shakes his head. Jinyoung laughs at this and cups the younger’s face gently.

“I love you, Hwi.”

A big smile erupts on Daehwi’s face as he scoots closer to Jinyoung and clings onto him tightly under the duvet, nuzzling his face on the crook of the male’s neck to breathe in his most natural scent.

“I love you too, Jinyoung-hyung.”

Daehwi has a lot of aspirations in life.

He wants to graduate from university with flying colors and contribute to society even with just the most meager skills that he has (hey, every person has at least one thing they’re good at). He hopes for world peace and a sure cure for cancer, even if it might not happen during his lifetime (he’ll just provide moral support for those who are actually conducting research on it).

But most especially, he prays that the moment will stay. He prays for only happy days to come.

Daehwi prays that nothing will change between him and Jinyoung. He prays that the love that they have won’t ever change.

He prays for this. _Always_.

For he won’t know what he’ll do if it does.

-

Daehwi remembers it, the day he first got that kind of message.

“You’re leaving?”

Daehwi halts and turns to look behind him. “Uh… did you have something urgent for me to do, sir?”

Hyunjin shakes his head. “You go on ahead. I bet your fiancée is waiting for you.” Daehwi bows and collects his stuff. Before he can leave though, his mentor adds, “Tell Jinyoung-ssi I said hi.”

Although a bit unusual, Daehwi nods and smiles. “I will. See you tomorrow, sir!”

It was an ordinary Monday. Daehwi, as per usual, came home around 6-ish, expecting Jinyoung to already be there – yet he wasn’t. Usually, if Jinyoung isn’t around the kitchen when Daehwi gets home, it would either be because he’s showering or napping as the older arrives home an hour earlier. Yet that day, Daehwi comes home to an empty flat.

Empty, silent, and soulless flat.

And just as he’s about to wonder why, he receives the message and immediately understands.

Hwi, go ahead and eat without me.  
I’ll be late tonight, sorry.  
**18:04**

It was an unusual setting perhaps, but Daehwi doesn’t mind. If any, he’s happy since Jinyoung just actually got promoted so of course, his workload will be heavier than before.

And who is Daehwi to complain?

Instead of acting like an abandoned kid, Daehwi reckons it’s better to try something new for a while and actually prepare dinner for Jinyoung. His cooking skills is nearly close to non-existence, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that there’s really none. And with the measly knowledge that he has, he manages to whip up a very generic kimchi fried rice akin to that of the instant ones at convenience stores – better than nothing, for sure.

Never let it be said however that making a very generic kimchi fried rice will take only a short time. Or Daehwi assumes it’s only him who took at least an hour to do everything, but then it’s actually better since within that span of a time, he hears the familiar beep of their passcode and sees Jinyoung padding in.

“Welcome home, love!” Daehwi skips towards the male and jumps on him, almost causing for them both to fall, had Jinyoung not seen him coming. “I missed you so much that I already made dinner for us for distraction!”

Jinyoung laughs lightly and pats the younger’s head. “My poor baby, I told you to eat ahead of me, didn’t I?”

“But we promised each other… that we’ll always eat dinner together.”

Jinyoung looks at Daehwi for a brief moment in silence, holding him in place and just marveling at his face. Daehwi tilts his head in question and confusion, but Jinyoung shakes his head and smiles, before placing a soft kiss on the younger’s nose.

“I wasn’t thinking, I’m sorry.” Jinyoung mutters. “We’ll always eat dinner together no matter what because that’s what we promised.”

With that, Daehwi finally lets go of the pout on his lips and smiles.

“Come on, let’s eat?”

-

Daehwi knows that they promised each other and that they take it upon themselves to fulfill that promise despite the difficulty. But at the same time, he also knows the universal saying that promises are meant to be broken.

He just didn’t think that he would experience it way too soon.

Hwi go eat dinner and don’t wait for me this time  
I have a meeting until 9  
**19:23**

It’s okay  
I’ll wait for you  
**19:24**

No don’t I’ll really be late  
**19:25**

Sorry I’ll call you later otw home  
**19:25**

***

Hwi I’ll be late again today  
Just eat ahead of me and go to sleep  
**20:04**

But  
**20:05**

Alright. Take care on the way home, okay?  
**20:07**

**

I’ll be home around midnight  
**21:23**

Daehwi looks at the message and heaves the heaviest sigh he’s ever had in a while. As what he has always told himself before, he understands – he _really_ understands that work has been really rough for Jinyoung. Half of the client accounts he’s holding suddenly cancelled out at the last minute and while there’s still another half left, it might as well be considered as an emergency for his team – especially for Jinyoung who’s the team manager.

But even knowing this situation, it didn’t prepare Daehwi for the following weeks of loneliness.

For the following weeks since the first time Jinyoung skipped eating dinner together, the male had barely even stayed at home. He would go home around eleven to midnight – Daehwi knows since even though he doesn’t react, he can feel a pair of arms slipping underneath the duvet to pull him into an embrace. The first few nights, Daehwi would wake up and welcome him but they can barely converse with each other since it wouldn’t even take minutes before Jinyoung’s fallen asleep. Same goes to Daehwi since he’s also tired, so before he can even realize it, he’s already passed out.

There’s no chance to talk in the morning even since both of them are always in a hurry – especially Jinyoung as he couldn’t even wait for Daehwi to finish eating before leaving for work.

And the cycle just repeats later at night – Daehwi coming home first and Jinyoung coming home around midnight.

If Daehwi’s being honest, he really doesn’t mind doing things by himself. Sure, it’s boring and having some company is certainly a whole lot better, but being the one who gets to go home earlier lately, Daehwi’s managed to improve his cooking and he can proudly say that his skills are not non-existent anymore. It’s a nice progress for his self-improvement, being able to cook a decent meal with no help nor guidance, but what good would it do really, if he can’t even see his special person’s face when he eats it? What good would it be when they can’t even eat it together?

And at the end of each day, no matter how hard he tries to tell himself that everything’s okay, he knows that it’s not.

It’s been weeks since Daehwi and Jinyoung have properly talked and chatted with each other and he can feel it.

He knows they’re drifting apart.

Daehwi doesn’t do anything about it though. It’s not like Jinyoung’s doing it on purpose. Daehwi reminds himself every day that it’ll only be a phase. Besides, between them two, Jinyoung has it harder. He may not blatantly say it, but Daehwi can see the exhaustion and stress on his face every morning. But he did say that things are getting better so hopefully, once it’s done, things will go back to normal.

“Daehi-yah… I’m homeeee!”

Or so he thought.

“Jinyoung-hyung?”

Daehwi quickly rushes out of the bedroom, confused and excited as it was only a quarter before 11. “How come you’re early today—“ he doesn’t even get to finish his sentence as Jinyoung immediately grabs ahold of his face and gives him a sloppy smooch. On normal circumstances, he would be so thrilled and eager, but the faint taste of alcohol leaves a bitter tang in his palate and core.

“Did you drink?”

Jinyoung only grins at him in response but Daehwi doesn’t even need a verbal response from him to know.

And an ugly thought creeps up inside of him, knowing full well that Jinyoung doesn’t drink if he’s not with Daehwi.

“Hwiiii-yah, I’m soooo so tired…” Jinyoung slurs, weight all on Daehwi as he gets dragged by the younger towards their room. Jinyoung is relatively bigger so Daehwi ends up underneath the male when they crash on the bed. Nevertheless, he gets up again to get a fresh pair of clothing but gets stopped when Jinyoung grabs his hand.

“You’re not… leaving… are you?”

Daehwi kneels on the floor and goes into Jinyoung’s level. He sweeps the stray hairs off of Jinyoung’s forehead and smiles. “I won’t.”

Daehwi isn’t sure if Jinyoung still hears it for his eyes are already shut tight. He proceeds to change the older’s clothes and tucks him in bed, following right after but not without snuggling the male tightly.

“I love you… so, so much.”

And it shows.

Jinyoung comes home drunk a couple more times and Daehwi still welcomes him with open arms. Jinyoung doesn’t eat dinner at home anymore, nor does Daehwi see him in the morning. Weekends aren’t any different from weekdays and their flat has turned into a place for Jinyoung only to sleep into. Groceries have long been forgotten as Daehwi refuses to cook when it only gets cold anyway.

Microwave dinners have become staples and instant noodles are now his best friends.

Not like Jinyoung will scold him like before since he himself doesn’t even touch any of the food in their flat anymore. Daehwi doesn’t even bother asking what’s happening anymore since he only gets the same limp smile as a response.

_Don’t ask because you won’t get an answer._

It was what Jinyoung was trying to say and it was what Daehwi told himself each time the former comes home staggering, words slurred and consciousness all over the place.

Lack of communication isn’t even the only problem, for Daehwi himself doesn’t know what’s going on any longer.

Daehwi himself is all over the place – his feelings, his thoughts, and his resolve.

He knows that Jinyoung’s having it hard at work, but he also knows it wouldn’t be that simple. Jinyoung won’t be this way just because of work. Daehwi’s utterly bothered and confused behind the older’s actions as of late, but he isn’t even sure if he wants to know for he’s _scared_.

Scared of the possibility that he might be losing the man that he loves. 

Scared of all the answers.

Each night Daehwi would be lying down on the bed, hugging Jinyoung in his arms protectively with no idea of what to expect the next day. Each night he would be lying down on the bed, hugging Jinyoung in his arms _longingly, _thinking of what had gone wrong.

Thinking of where _he_ had gone wrong.

Thinking of what he could’ve possibly said or done to set off Jinyoung.

Thinking of what he could’ve _lacked_; thinking of what he hadn’t done.

Thinking of which parts of himself could’ve been better; thinking of how good it would be if _he_ was better.

Of all things, doubting himself is the last thing that Daehwi wants. He believes that no individual has to have a need for self-validation. He believes that each person should value themselves exactly how they deserve to be valued.

Yet there he was, reconsidering his own worth.

It’s wrong in so many ways and the energy to just scream and cry is so strong.

He knows that he doesn’t deserve any of the isolation that Jinyoung is making him feel. He knows that he doesn’t deserve to be in pain. He knows that he deserves so much more.

But he loves him still.

Daehwi loves Jinyoung still.

And he would do anything just to get him back.

Anything to get the same Jinyoung back who he knows.

Anything to get the same Jinyoung back who he loves.

“Welcome home, Jinyoung-hyung.”

Even when Jinyoung comes home again cracked and piss drunk – more than the usual even – Daehwi breathes heavily and smiles. If there’s anything that’s keeping him from breaking, it’s the fact that no matter how drunk Jinyoung gets, there’s always only one name that he would call.

“Daehwi,”

Jinyoung almost falls onto the floor, but Daehwi’s quick to catch him. Despite being stick thin, the nights of having to take care of Jinyoung had outwardly toughen him up, and Daehwi no longer feels any difficulty with bringing the male back to their room.

“Daehwi-yah…”

Jinyoung keeps on calling his name and this notion gives Daehwi a small sense of comfort. Then again, at that point, he would take even meager crumbs of affection from the male.

At that point, Jinyoung can just look at him with his hollow gaze and Daehwi would still be comforted.

So with a smile on his face, Daehwi – as per his usual routine – grabs a fresh pair of clothing for the older, but a hand suddenly pulls him from behind and he lands on the bed, underneath Jinyoung. “Jinyoung—“ the older shuts him off with a kiss – a sloppy and wet kiss.

It’s been weeks since Daehwi last tasted Jinyoung’s lips and never had he felt so provoked and roused. Daehwi kisses back with the same fervor, arms automatically encircling around Jinyoung’s neck. They make out for a while, both devouring each other’s lips senseless, until Daehwi feels Jinyoung’s hand slipping underneath his shirt, ghosting on his hot, burning skin.

He stills and bites his lips, pulling away from their exchange.

“Jinyoung-hyung… I…” he trails off, thinking of how to properly phrase his words.

Daehwi isn’t ready for it. He’s tired. He’s been emotionally drained for the past few weeks and he just wants to rest and cuddle.

“Hwi…”

He wants to say no, but the deep, dark brown eyes of Jinyoung hypnotizes him just like how they always had, making him feel as if everything is just right.

Convincing him that it would make their relationship work again.

Assuring him that their love would be validated again.

Making Daehwi _feel_ loved again.

So despite being initially against it, Daehwi smiles weakly and pulls Jinyoung closer to continue their interrupted exchange, kissing him ardently than before.

After all, he’d do anything just to get him back.

Daehwi would do anything just to get Jinyoung back.

_“Daehwi, I love you so much…”_

A blank slate of a ceiling is what greets Daehwi first thing in the morning. The thick purple curtains are spread out against the bright rays of the sun, casting a glum muted mauve amongst the mum room.

On normal circumstances, Daehwi would panic and basically run when he sees that it’s already past 8. He’d never been late before so he doesn’t really know how his mentor would react if he does get late (not that he needs to know or wants to know for that matter).

On another note, that day, he doesn’t react nor does he feel the need to.

A pair of arms are tightly enclosed around his bare waist and he feels the faintest blow of air against the exposed skin of his neck. He looks down and sees Jinyoung calmly rested by his shoulder. He brushes the stray hair off of the male’s face and lands a kiss on his forehead.

“Hyung, we’re going to be—“ Daehwi stops short when he feels Jinyoung pulling him closer, a pair of naughty hands groping his behind.

Daehwi bites his lips in deep thought. It’s an hour past the start of their working time and Daehwi just woke up from a wild night. He knows he shouldn’t even be entertaining the thought, but Jinyoung isn’t giving him any other options by suddenly sucking on that sweet sensitive spot on the crook of his neck, leaving a very bright love bite.

“Good morning, love.” Jinyoung breathes against his flushed skin – low, raspy, and carnal. “Let’s take the day off today?”

Never had Daehwi ever thought of doing an absence without leave – especially not when they have piles of deadlines coming after them that season (Hyunjin had it rougher though). He’s frazzled and lightheaded, heart jumping, pumping, and racing against whatever rational thinking he has left. “J-Jinyoung-hyung, no—we should—“

Yet between Daehwi’s rationale, obligation, and duties going against Jinyoung’s persuasion, temptation, and sweet lips, the latter is definitely stronger, and he hears the slightest slip of a moan from his own lips just when the older suddenly presses hard against him.

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

Whereas his mind tells him that they shouldn’t be doing it again and it’s not the solution to whatever problem that they have, Daehwi’s heart is holding on to that unreasonable thought he’d been thinking of the night prior.

Of by letting Jinyoung have his way with him, the older would be coming back to where they were supposed to be.

He’d be making up for what he lacked. He’d be better.

And Daehwi doesn’t even try to fight it anymore, letting his feeling win against his reasoning. He’s desperate and had already decided anyway, to think of things as always his last. It could honestly _be_ the last. He doesn’t want to think of it, but the past weeks of being clouded in darkness made him see things in a new light – one of which he doesn’t know if it’s faulty or bright.

But more than anything, at that moment, he just wants to return the love. He just wants to _keep_ the love.

So Daehwi lets Jinyoung win. Again.

He lets the older have his way with him again and they go at it for a couple of times more before falling back to sleep, completely disregarding the buzzing of both of their phones from their bedside table.

They stay in bed for most of the afternoon and only wake up for real when a grumbling sound fills the room – coming from Daehwi’s stomach.

“I thought you’d have enough by now but it seems that you’re still hungry,” Jinyoung smirks. “Want to go for another round?”

“I’m literally hungry for food!”

“But am I not your food?”

Jinyoung laughs when Daehwi’s face turns red, face morphing into anger. “Hyung, you have got to stop yourself!” Daehwi turns away and was about to sit up but gets stopped when Jinyoung pulls him back. “Hey—“

Jinyoung lands a sloppy kiss on Daehwi lips – giggling even. “Just rest and wait while I make food for us.” He gets off the bed, picks up a random boxer littered on the floor and wears it as he pads towards the door.

But before he could even move past the door, Daehwi sits up to the edge of the bed and grabs his hand.

Jinyoung turns to him in question and Daehwi stares back, watches as the depressing leftover sunlight casts a fleck on the male’s eyes, bringing back that deep, brown shade out of its suppressed soul.

_Are you back?_

“Is everything okay again at work?”

Jinyoung pauses for a moment before nodding and pulling out a small smile. “Fortunately, yes.” He says reassuringly. “There’s one account I’m dropping though because they’ve been causing more problems but other than that, we’re slowly but surely getting back on track again.”

“That’s good…” Daehwi smiles back at him, just staring at his brown eyes a little too long that Jinyoung tilts his head.

“Hwi?”

_Are you really back?_

Daehwi squeezes Jinyoung’s hand and asks, “Do you… do you have anything else to say?”

Jinyoung takes a moment, the two of them just gazing at each other, both gauging the extent of each word.

“I do.”

Jinyoung squeezes Daehwi’s hand back and lowers his head down, meeting the latter’s lips with his gently.

“I love you.”

Daehwi’s heart pumps in undeniable recognition, seeing the same eyes, hearing the same voice, and feeling the same touch that he loves.

So he smiles back. “I love you too.”

-

Let’s meet around 8, if that’s okay.  
**15:21**

Sure, that works for me.  
**15:23**

Your office or the café?  
**15:23**

Daehwi gapes at the screen, blinking his eyes repeatedly, trying to see if he’s hallucinating or not. He rubs his eyes, pinches himself and taps on the phone in an effort to make himself believe that he’s just seeing things.

“Hwi, I won’t be eating dinner here tonight—“

But seeing the flicker of surprise in Jinyoung’s eyes makes him think otherwise, and he finds it hard to breathe with each step that the older male takes towards him.

“What are you doing?”

Jinyoung’s stoic countenance resurfaces and he nicks his phone from the table – away from Daehwi’s sight.

“What are _you_ doing?” Jinyoung raises an eyebrow at Daehwi’s question and the latter continues, “I didn’t know you’re in contact with Yonghee again?”

There’s a slight pause in Jinyoung’s breathing as he hears Daehwi’s question but eventually, he answers. “I wasn’t, but turns out that he’s working as a coordinator for one of the key accounts I’m about to handle so we’ve been in touch recently.” Jinyoung explains. “I’ll be meeting him tonight.”

Daehwi’s heart starts racing out of fright or nervousness or maybe both – he can’t really tell – but he continues nonetheless. “_About_ to handle, meaning, it’s not under you yet but you’re already in contact with each other.”

“Of course we need to correspond with each other to set up the account.”

“Which you can do via call or email,” Daehwi retorts. “But instead, you’re going to meet him.”

“We’re going to meet each other no matter what anyway, Hwi. He’s literally the point of contact for the account, what do you expect?”

“I know you can just request to handle another account. You did that before, didn’t you? But now… you didn’t.”

Jinyoung’s eyebrows scrunches in what Daehwi perceives to be incredulity and asks, “What are you trying to say?”

“What are _you_ trying to do?”

“Daehwi, I just told you it’s for work.”

“If it’s for work then why does the meeting have to be so late? Working hours are only up to 5 and you’re meeting at 8? It’s the weekend, Jinyoung-hyung!” Daehwi snaps. “Why don’t you meet him now then? I’ll go with you.”

It was Jinyoung’s turn to scoff and ask, “Are you serious?”

“Let’s go meet him now so you can be done by dinner time.” Daehwi remains firm in his words, indifferent by the look of disbelief on Jinyoung’s face. “We’ve barely ate dinner together for the past week because you’re always doing over time. It’s the weekend, hyung, and you’d really choose to have dinner with him?”

“Why are you making such a big deal out of me and Yonghee meeting?” Jinyoung stills and looks at Daehwi in disbelief. “You know my team had only been barely getting it together lately and Yonghee’s side is one of the few who actually helped us to get back on track. It’s just a dinner meeting for work and nothing else!”

“Bae Jinyoung, he’s your goddamn ex! He was your first boyfriend!” Daehwi snaps. “Of course, I’ll make a big deal out of this!”

“I owe him a lot, Daehwi, please!” Jinyoung retorts. “If not for Yonghee, then I probably would’ve lost my job!”

A flicker of shock passes by Jinyoung’s face with what he just said, and Daehwi doesn’t miss this. “You what?” he asks, face full of worry. “How come you never told me about this? You told me that you were doing okay at work again… why, what do you mean—“

Jinyoung runs a hand through his hair in exasperation. “Can you just—“ he stops, looks at Daehwi coldly and lets out a huge sigh instead. “You know what, nevermind. It’s pointless to explain this to you.” He says. “Maybe it would be best for you to eat by yourself tonight, that way you can sort your thoughts out.”

Jinyoung keeps his phone in his pocket and adds, “Besides, it’s not like this is the first time we’re not eating dinner together. Get used to it.”

Daehwi doesn’t even try to hide the shock and disappointment on his face as he watches Jinyoung grab his coat just as he exits their flat. Once Jinyoung’s gone, he sits down by the dining table and blinks rapidly, spacing out, trying to fight back the urge to cry.

But things don’t go according to how he wants it to and he ends up crying himself to sleep that night, leaving Jinyoung’s favorite _Kimchi Jiggae_ untouched by the dining table.

-

Daehwi believes that life is like a continuously running wheel. Sometimes you’re on top of your game, sometimes you’re down in the dumps – it’s only one or the other.

Which is why there’s a part of him that regrets how he took things too lightly, how he easily believed that things are back to how they should be.

How he easily believed that Jinyoung is back to how he should be.

Their love got back on top, got back in good shape just like the early stages of their relationship. It was a moment of pure happiness, seeing the bright smile he had fallen for back in college, seeing the old familiar soul he had come to love in time.

But he should’ve seen it coming too, that life only continuously moves on and that from the top, what only comes after is the downfall.

I won’t eat dinner at home  
Don’t wait for me  
**18:30**

Upon receiving the message, on instinct, Daehwi immediately opens his _Instagram_ and searches Yonghee’s account. Yonghee’s feed is simple – mostly consisting of animals, flowers, food, and some other aesthetically pleasing sceneries. While there isn’t really anything suspicious about his feed, Daehwi just got used to checking his account at least once a day.

He admits, he has developed an unhealthy past time of looking through Yonghee’s account ever since he found out that he and Jinyoung had been in contact again. But one couldn’t really blame him; he had been walking on thin ice for the past couple of months, worrying each day if his love will finally break or not.

It’s exhausting, having to do something as ridiculous as stalking, but if he wants to keep walking and reach a stable, thick point, then he’d have to keep watch of everyone – especially an old rekindled flame.

Just as he was about to exit the app, the screen refreshes and a new post appears on Yonghee’s feed. It’s a selca of him in a café, sipping on what Daehwi assumes to be a cold brew Americano. If one simply looks at it, it’s a harmless photo of a handsome (as much he’d hate to admit it) young man relaxing at a random café. But when Daehwi looks closer, he notices a familiar lanky man by the cashier, far behind in the picture.

And even as it’s out of focus, Daehwi can easily recognize that long ass neck everywhere, having seen and touched it for who knows how many times already.

_Jinyoung-hyung…_

Daehwi, despite himself, just bursts into tears right at his station. He knows that Jinyoung already explained the situation to him, that he just owes Yonghee a lot and they have just a business relationship now. Even though the latter hadn’t been uploading any picture of them, he already knows that the two of them had been meeting up again.

It annoys him for sure, how Jinyoung decided to keep Yonghee as his point of contact even though Daehwi perfectly made it clear to him that he isn’t comfortable with it. But it’s not like he can do anything about it. It’s for work – Jinyoung’s work. Even though he wasn’t aware of the exact details, Jinyoung slipped about him almost losing his job and that Yonghee had helped him to be able to keep it.

The least he can do is to suck it up and tell himself that he’ll be okay.

He thought that he’ll be okay. He thought that he’ll be fine with it eventually, but having to see a picture of them at their actual meeting, Daehwi just feels disappointed, frustrated, and hurt.

Disappointed for allowing himself to be desperate for mere crumbs of Jinyoung’s affection; frustrated for not being able to do anything about it.

But most of all, hurt… for just about everything.

“Daehwi-ssi, what’s wrong?”

Daehwi looks up and sees his mentor, Hyunjin, right beside him, looking at him with worry written all over his face. In an instant, Daehwi rushes to wipe his eyes and shakes his head. “I’m sorry, sir. It’s nothing…” his voice almost cracks, and he berates himself internally for making a scene in their office. Fortunately, only he and Hyunjin are in so he tries to wave it off with a smile, but the continuously growing tears in his eyes immediately give him away.

Hyunjin pulls out a handkerchief from his blazer and proceeds to wipe Daehwi’s tears. “It’s not nothing if it makes you cry this much.” Daehwi flinches a tad from the contact, but Hyunjin doesn’t seem to take notice and continues, eventually disrupting the former’s tears.

Once his eyes had calmed down (or he, himself, for that matter), Daehwi accepts the used handkerchief from Hyunjin and says, “Thank you, sir. I’m sorry for suddenly bothering you.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Hyunjin looks at Daehwi for a moment with an unexplainable look. For a second, Daehwi almost thought that he’s about to be scolded but realizes otherwise when Hyunjin asks, “Do you… do you want to eat dinner together?”

Aside from the time when he and Jinyoung accidentally met Hyunjin at a mart near their flat, there really weren’t any other occasions nor chances for him to meet and see his mentor outside of work. And surely, for someone as uptight and serious looking as Hyunjin, it never really crossed Daehwi’s mind for such an occurrence to happen.

But it doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s not open to the idea of it.

Which is why he suddenly finds himself seated at a nearby _pojangmacha_, sipping on a hot _eomuk_ soup – a leftover from the simple feast he and Hyunjin had. For a cold winter night, nothing beats the combination of _eomuk_ with a shot of soju. And while it almost tastes like a dash of honey in his mouth, Daehwi makes sure that he’s only taking sips of which he can handle. The location isn’t near to his flat and he’d have to go home by himself. The least he can do is to not be a bother and save whatever dignity he has left.

A futile attempt to prove to himself that he still has a meager amount of self-preservation.

“So you still haven’t heard from Jinyoung-ssi since his message earlier?”

The glass stops just in front of Daehwi’s mouth and he’s suddenly reminded of the photo he had seen earlier that afternoon. He says that he’s drinking fairly moderate, but soju is soju, and no matter how scanty he intakes, it will still hit him to an extent that he actually lets the guard that he has in his chest slip open.

It doesn’t bother Daehwi however, of how Hyunjin – of all people – is the one other than himself who’s aware of his current demise. He may or may not regret it the next morning when he’s fully sober, but if any, there’s a strange sense of comfort in having someone know what you’ve been holding on to for so long – as if a huge weight has been lifted off of his chest.

Yet it doesn’t mean that he’s alright. It doesn’t mean that he’s already fine.

The image of Yonghee’s selca ingrained in his mind pushes Daehwi to take the drink in one shot, and it tastes a little more bitter than sweet. Daehwi shakes his head to shrug off the taste but it also serves as an answer to Hyunjin’s question, prompting him to follow up with another.

“I know I don’t have any right to say this… but you should stop.”

“I’m not drunk yet but yeah, I should stop.”

“I wasn’t talking about that.” Hyunjin replies. “You know what I’m talking about.”

Daehwi takes a glance at him and laughs. “I do know what you’re talking about actually, but… I don’t know how to.”

“Don’t know how to what?”

“Stop.” Daehwi smiles, small and tired. “I don’t know how to stop loving him.”

Despite saying he’ll stop, Daehwi pours himself another glass while telling himself internally that it will really be the last. Yet before he can even put it anywhere near his mouth, Hyunjin’s hand stops him. “What…” Hyunjin suddenly takes the glass from him and downs it in one go. The whole dinner, Hyunjin hasn’t really drank more than three shots so it wasn’t hard to guess that he isn’t a heavy drinker. Even now that his face is turning red, Daehwi finds himself amused even. “Don’t force yourself to drink if you can’t handle it—“

“Use me then.” Hyunjin mumbles, almost inaudible against the bustling streets of Seoul. “Use me so you can stop loving him.”

Daehwi doesn’t even know anymore if the cause of Hyunjin’s red face is still the alcohol or something else.

“Sir Hyunjin, I know you’re capable of a lot of things but I didn’t think that joking was one of them?” Daehwi chuckles but the unchanging look on Hyunjin’s face stops him and he feels his heartbeat moving faster than the norm. “What are you trying to say?”

Daehwi isn’t stupid; he knows exactly what his mentor’s trying to say. But even so, he wants to hear it from Hyunjin himself because out of all the facts he had come to know about the male, that’s got to be the most improbable yet.

Yet Hyunjin’s words are clear and firm, said from his whole chest without any hesitation.

“I like you, Daehwi-ssi.”

Daehwi’s bugged with a lot of questions, of a plethora of hows, whens, and whys, but he doesn’t ask any. Instead, he calmly replies, “I’m engaged.”

“I know… but we both also know that it’s not working anymore.”

Daehwi feels a pang in his chest when he hears this and he almost gets the urge to scream at his mentor for saying something so unkind. Yet he simply curls his hands to fists, knowing very well that Hyunjin’s statement is not a lie.

“And you want me to go to you, is that it?” Daehwi asks. “You want me to cheat on my fiancée? Do you really think of me as that kind of person?”

“Daehwi-ssi, no. I know you’re not like that,” Hyunjin moves closer to the table, eyes unparalleled as he stares into Daehwi’s. “I’m just asking for you to give me a chance. Go out with me, have fun… as a friend.”

“But you don’t see me as just a friend.”

“And I can’t do anything but look at you as just a friend.”

“Hyunjin…”

“I know this is selfish of me, but use me to distract yourself from the pain he’s giving you. You don’t deserve any of this.” Hyunjin’s words were true and they hit hard where it hurts the most. Daehwi bites his lips, feeling his eyes working again, strongly fighting back the urge to have another breakdown.

“Why…” a lone tear finally falls off of Daehwi’s eyes as he speaks but he keeps his gaze straight. “Why are you doing this?”

“I told you, I like you and I just want to see you happy.” Hyunjin says, wiping the tears off of Daehwi’s face. “If using me is what will give you that happiness even momentarily, then I’m willing to take it.”

Daehwi’s mind stops for a moment, trying to take everything in, trying to weigh his consciousness and feeling. But the alcohol has done its job and his emotions are all on high.

He’s hurt and beat; he’s tired and frazzled.

So between the alcohol and his rationale, the anterior works more and he finally lets Hyunjin wipe his tears away.

-

“That pot roast was delicious. I didn’t think I would actually like it.”

“I’m glad you liked it.”

There was a hint of glee in Hyunjin’s voice and Daehwi can’t help but smile. It was a long day at work and he and Hyunjin decided to just eat out for dinner. Needless to say, Daehwi has found himself a new best friend. Someone who goes to lunch with him, someone who gets snacks with him. Someone who accompanies him when he wants to watch movies, someone who indulges him but also controls him whenever he wants to eat unhealthy foods.

Someone who’s with him whenever he needs the company.

“I’ll only bring you to good places from now on.”

“Hyunjin… you know you don’t have to, really.”

“But I want to.”

Someone who does what Jinyoung used to do.

Hyunjin looks at him just as he stops the car right in front of Daehwi’s building and the latter turns silent, a voice breaking inside his head.

_“I want to do everything for you… and with you…”_

If Daehwi’s being honest, he feels light, he feels comfort. He feels the fun, he feels carefree. Spending time with Hyunjin reminds him of his teenage days when he didn’t have to worry about bills or responsibilities, or just adulting in general. Hyunjin, despite his stoic appearance, is definitely fun to be with and Daehwi admittedly enjoys his company.

But no matter how much he enjoys it, at the end of each day, the voice of truth within him only reminds him of the very fact that he’s just lying to himself.

He is still not happy.

“Thank you for dropping me off tonight.” Daehwi says as he gets down from the car, standing just right in front of the lobby. Hyunjin lowers down the window and Daehwi waves at him. “Please take care on your way back.”

“I will. Thank you for tonight, Daehwi. See you tomorrow.” Hyunjin smiles at him gently and ushers for him to go inside. Daehwi laughs but obliges nonetheless, entering the lobby but not without waving another goodbye to his mentor. Once he’s inside, Hyunjin finally takes off, returning to the road.

Daehwi watches as his car gets smaller and smaller until it gets out of sight. He smiles, recalling the dinner date they had, recalling how good the dinner tasted. Yet that smile turns blank just as he notices the flickering light of the lamppost near their building, noting how dim it had become compared to the first time he saw it brightly lit.

And he breathes heavily, clutching his fists.

_“… but we both also know that it’s not working anymore.”_

Daehwi knows what Hyunjin’s trying to do; he’s trying to be a placeholder in hopes that Daehwi will come to like him back someday. But Daehwi knows that he won’t. He _can’t_, because whatever he does, his heart is tied so firmly to another that no matter how far he tries to run, in just a mere sign of affection, he still gets pulled back, hoisted back to square one.

And it’s wrong. Daehwi knows it’s wrong to use Hyunjin as a replacement, to look for the affection he needs from the wrong person. He’s just blinding himself, contented from a faux emotion he’s getting out of mere desperation.

But that’s the point, he’s desperate.

Desperate to heal, desperate to be happy.

“Daehwi!”

Daehwi pivots back but freezes when he feels himself getting engulfed in a hug.

“Hyunjin?”

“I’m sorry, but can you please just let me hug you for a minute?”

Despite the bewilderment, Daehwi nods. He stays still in place, with Hyunjin’s arms tightly around him, and just like what he said, the older male lets go in exactly a minute.

“I’m just… really happy… and wanted to let you know how much I’m thankful that you’re letting me see you.” Hyunjin holds both of his hands and smiles. “Thank you, Daehwi.”

Daehwi’s heart picks up its beating, and he stares back at Hyunjin’s eyes inquisitively.

_If Jinyoung can meet someone else, then it’s only fair for me to do it likewise._

And he’d take anything at this point just to be rid of the pain that he has.

Daehwi lets go of his hands and instead, hugs him.

“No, thank you.” He whispers into his chest. “Thank you for being with me.”

To an extent that even though he’s perfectly well aware of how wrong things are, he still tries to find a leeway just to justify his actions.

_-_

“I’m home.”

Daehwi stops on his tracks and looks up to see Jinyoung entering their unit. It was Saturday – a very rare occurrence for Jinyoung to come home before 8 PM. Fortunately, Daehwi was able to whip up enough supper for them both and a part of him feels delighted knowing that he’ll finally be able to eat dinner with Jinyoung again.

“Welcome home, love!” he greets a little too loudly but he doesn’t care. It’s been a while since he’d last seen Jinyoung come home early so his spirits are way up in the air. Jinyoung smiles at him in return as Daehwi quickly moves the pot of soup he made on the dining table. Jinyoung, on the other hand, helps set by preparing the utensils they’ll be using.

Once the table is ready, as per usual, Daehwi tiptoes and gives Jinyoung a gentle kiss, just how he used to do when he would arrive home. “I didn’t think you’d arrive early tonight, good thing I made enough for us.” Daehwi comments as he and Jinyoung sit side by side. “Why are you so early today?”

“Why? Don’t you want me here early?”

There was a tip of spite in Jinyoung’s tone and Daehwi’s hand pauses for a split second just as he’s pouring him water. He looks at the older and sees him eating just fine so he disregards his assumption and continues nonetheless.

“Of course, I want you to go home early.” Daehwi replies. “We made a promise to always eat dinner together, remember?”

“Yeah, we did.” Jinyoung says. “It’s been so long since we last ate together so I pushed back all of my meetings just to go home early.”

“Yeah, I missed this so much!” Daehwi chirps. “It’s been really so long.”

“So long that you opted to eat dinner with someone else while I was gone.”

_How did he—_

“I saw you out with your mentor the other night while I was working at field, in case you’re wondering.”

Daehwi’s eyes widen, heart picking up its pace when he sees Jinyoung’s stoic gaze. “Hyunjin and I—“

“Hyunjin?” Jinyoung raises an eyebrow. “I didn’t know you two were already on a first name basis?”

There was tension in the air – an unbearable tension that’s making Daehwi suffocate and be apprehensive.

Anxious for every move that he makes; Scared for every word that he says.

Daehwi swallows hard, puts down his chopsticks gently on the table in an attempt to mask the beating in his chest and says, “We are. We’ve had a friendly dinner for a couple of times since it’s always late when we finish work.”

“And you never mentioned it to me.” Jinyoung looks at him questioningly. “Or did you? Did I just forget?”

“I… didn’t mention it.”

Jinyoung stays silent for a moment before going back to his food. “Why didn’t you?”

Daehwi’s still in his spot, eyes everywhere but at the male. “I reckoned you’ve been so busy with work and I didn’t want to bother you.” Daehwi explains. “Besides, it was just a friendly dinner anyway.”

“Friendly dinner, wow… to think that you used to trash talk him before.” Jinyoung laughs just as he finishes his food. “That’s good that you’re getting along well with your mentor.”

Daehwi peers at Jinyoung, trying to gauge his response.

Yet no matter how much he looks at him, the light in the older’s eyes are gone and he can only see hollowness.

“I-I’m sorry, I didn’t tell you anything about it.”

“No, it’s all good.” Jinyoung says, “You seem like you’re happy whenever you’re with him…” Daehwi’s eyes flicker, hearing the older’s words. “…so it’s okay—“

“Jinyoung… no, it’s not—“

“Hwi, it’s okay.” Jinyoung smiles. “Be with whoever makes you happy.”

Jinyoung stretches out his arms and stands up. “Do you mind if I go ahead and wash up? I just feel so stuffy with this suit on.” Daehwi just looks at him with his beady eyes, voice stuck in his throat and unable to respond. “The food was delicious. Thank you.”

Jinyoung pats Daehwi’s head before proceeding to go into their bedroom, leaving him all alone with his untouched food.

-

Once the clock strikes 19:00, Daehwi feels his heart pumping.

Out of anxiousness, fear, or a little bit of both – he isn’t exactly sure.

The only thing he knows is that he’ll be letting go of a friend, of a person who not only helped him with his craft but also his personal life. Someone who comforted him when he was down, someone who had given him light during his darkest days.

“Daehwi, where do you want to eat tonight?”

Someone who has become precious to him.

“Let’s just eat where we first ate together?”

Hyunjin nods as he takes his coat, walking backwards to face Daehwi as they make their way out of the office. “Sure, but I thought you wanted to try that newly opened barbecue house down the street?” he asks. “You mentioned it last week—“

“No exact reason in particular.” Replies Daehwi. “I just feel like going back to how we first started.”

“That’s some deep sentiments you have there.” Hyunjin laughs and it rings in Daehwi’s ears, seemingly in between a bell and a morning call.

And he opts to stay silent, smiling instead as they walk until they reach their destination.

Just like the first time, they order the same food, not leaving the soju, of course. Out of all the things laid down on their table, Daehwi needs that green bottle the most. It’s an abject means of overcoming his anxiety, but he need not to care of himself at that moment. If it does its job, if it will help to keep him from hating himself, then he’ll take it by all means.

“Today is my last day at the company.” Daehwi suddenly announces mid-dinner, his voice loud compared to the soft pitter-patter of the evening winter rain. “I already told the HR I’ll be taking my leave.”

Hyunjin’s eyes widen for a bit, but he recomposes himself immediately and asks, “Did you already complete your required hours?”

“I haven’t actually.” Daehwi gives him a small smile. “But there’s only a couple that I won’t be able to do anyway. I already talked to my professor and he let me to just work for him for the hours I’ll be needing.”

Hyunjin looks at him as if he wants to say something, but sighs and smiles instead. “I won’t ask the reason why anymore, but advanced congratulations for finishing up your internship.”

“Don’t congratulate me in advance. That’s bad.” Daehwi laughs but Hyunjin just raises an eyebrow at him. “It’s bad luck to congratulate someone earlier than the real day.”

“That’s the first time I’ve heard of that saying.” Hyunjin comments. “You sure you just aren’t making that up?”

“Why would I, silly.”

Hyunjin shrugs. “Nothing... but I just don’t want to miss greeting you.” Hyunjin then smiles at him. “I don’t want to miss you too… but I know I will.”

Daehwi averts Hyunjin’s eyes and pours himself a shot. _Ddak! _The sound of the shot glass landing on the plastic table goes against the din of the rain. Daehwi feels the alcohol burning his throat at the same time as Hyunjin puts a piece of _Ddeok_ on his plate.

He looks at it promptly before turning back to Hyunjin again in question.

“Stop drinking and eat up.” Hyunjin tells him. “Stop drinking so much before you hurt yourself.”

Daehwi isn’t drunk; he’s only had a couple of shots as they eat their humble dinner which consisted of simple _Ddeokbokki_ and _Soondae_. Yet there’s an uncomfortable feeling akin to a throbbing pain slowly rooting within his chest with each second that passes.

Rather, there’s that sad feeling within him with each second that he looks at the older, and he can’t help the need to down another shot.

“You care so much, Hyunjin.”

_That’s why I’m stopping it before I even hurt you._

“Of course I do. I care for you—“

“Then don’t.”

_Or maybe I did already hurt you._

“But I want to.”

“And I don’t want you to.”

Hyunjin stops and looks at Daehwi, and the two of them just hold each other’s stares for a significant moment.

“Am I not allowed to anymore?”

Daehwi can very well see the confusion and hesitation in Hyunjin’s eyes and he can almost feel the tears building up in his.

“I’m sorry… but we should stop this.”

Yet he remains firm, a practiced smile plastered on his face.

Hyunjin puts down his chopstick and clasps his hands together, leaning his forehead on it in silence. Daehwi just looks down, clueless of what to actually say.

It was when Hyunjin suddenly pours himself a drink and breathes out heavily after that Daehwi looks back up at him. “I… to be honest—“ Hyunjin starts, staggering on his words a couple of times before finally breaking it. “I told myself… if this day ever comes, I’ll accept it wholeheartedly and just be glad that I even got to spend happy moments with you. I already know what was to come anyway… but wow, it’s hard.” Hyunjin chuckles dryly. He takes another shot and sighs after. “I was just… I was happy that I got to be with you.”

“I was, too.” Daehwi smiles. “I was happy too.”

“I’m glad that I was able to make you happy momentarily, but,” Hyunjin looks at him. “Are you happy with him?”

If Daehwi’s being honest, it was a simple question but probably the hardest out of all he’d heard in a while. He could simply answer it with a mere yes or no and he shouldn’t even be thinking twice about it, but it’s come to a point where reality is bounded by expectations.

Yet despite all of the emotional strain, he still chooses to go forth with what he wants.

“I…” Daehwi looks at Hyunjin straight in the eyes and smiles. “I want to be happy with him.”

Daehwi believes it was a good enough answer and Hyunjin understands.

“I shouldn’t have greeted you early… see this happened.” Hyunjin jokes but they both know better that their laughs were forced. He pours a shot for Daehwi and himself instead. “I’ll pray for your happiness.”

Hyunjin’s voice resonates within Daehwi and he feels lighter, encouraged by his words.

Making him believe that the downpour will eventually recess to a mere drizzle, and everything will be okay.

“Thank you, Hyunjin.” He clinks glasses with the male and smiles. “Thank you.”

-

“I left the company.”

Jinyoung stops a split second, seemingly trying to process what Daehwi just said before continuing to fix his tie. “If this is because of what we talked about before, you know you don’t have to.”

“But I want to.” Daehwi walks up to him and removes Jinyoung’s hands, taking his tie to fix it for him.

“Are you even done with your internship?”

“I have a couple of hours left, but my professor said I can finish it by helping him.”

Jinyoung has his signature stoic countenance on and Daehwi, in all honesty, has no idea of what he’s thinking of. He had hoped for something better, anything other than a blank, expressionless face, but he can clearly understand why there’s this fine line of uncertainty hanging in between them.

It’s been there for a long time now and it continues to linger.

“Up to you then. Do whatever you want.” Jinyoung says this with a gentle smile, patting Daehwi’s head as the latter finishes fixing his tie. “I’ll go now. Thank you.”

Daehwi nods with the same smile – the same heavy, practiced smile that masks the real situation.

When Jinyoung leaves, Daehwi doesn’t feel any different; the flat stays the same.

The flat _feels_ the same.

Jinyoung’s schedule had gone back to the regular office hours. He leaves the house earlier than Daehwi for sure, but that’s only because Daehwi doesn’t need to be in university until after lunch. After school, Daehwi reaches their flat first, but Jinyoung quickly follows after. Needless to say, Jinyoung had been eating breakfast and dinner with Daehwi again. He’s filling up the other space needed in their flat again.

And whilst Daehwi should be the most elated out of this, he’s actually not. To be more accurate, he doesn’t know what to feel. Jinyoung may physically be there, but he feels empty. They converse of course, they spend time just like how they always have. Daehwi admits that he isn’t the most observant person there is, but Daehwi isn’t _that_ dumb to not notice the important things.

Daehwi can perfectly see the clear lack of presence Jinyoung holds.

He knows that the sparks are just disappearing. The embers are just dimming out.

It’s been a week since he left the company and cut off all communication with Hyunjin, yet still, there’s no difference. He couldn’t blame Jinyoung though. He knows that merely leaving the company wouldn’t cut it. He knows how it feels when he saw Jinyoung with Yonghee, but theirs is different.

Theirs is purely work related.

Daehwi’s isn’t.

There isn’t a verbal understanding and Jinyoung never accused him of anything, but he knows that both of them are aware of what really happened. Daehwi admits it and won’t even try to justify it anymore because he knows that he did it with no innocent intent.

And it’s bad enough that they haven’t even fixed whatever issue they had before other parties came into the picture. Then again, even that he isn’t so sure of. It’s just been so long since their relationship started falling apart that Daehwi isn’t so sure of what the reasons behind their falling out are anymore.

Yet if there’s one thing that Daehwi’s sure of, it’s that he still wants to stay.

He won’t sugarcoat it even, he’d been so emotionally drained for so long that he nearly feels numb. He’s already getting accustomed to the emotional exhaustion he’d been going through for the past months if he’s being honest, but if there’s one thing that doesn’t change, it’s his feelings for Jinyoung.

It might be selfish of him, but he knows that only Jinyoung can genuinely make him happy. He knows that no matter what happens, Jinyoung will only be the one his heart wants.

Jinyoung will only be the one his heart needs.

Jinyoung told him to be with whoever makes him happy and Daehwi, with all his heart, chooses to be with him. 

Because Daehwi believes that everything will go back to how it has always been.

Or so he thought.

Fast forward to two weeks and the clock reads 21:10.

Daehwi looks at the untouched bowl of _Galbi Jjim_ on the table and creases his eyebrows. He looks at his phone, looks for any notification for new messages but finds none. He eventually only sees the reflection of the balloons on the ceiling that says ‘4th’ on the darkness of his screen.

_Where is he?_

Daehwi rests his head on the table and sighs. He’d been preparing for a whole week for that day. He’d been video calling his mom everyday just so he can perfect the dish that Jinyoung mentioned in passing he’d been craving for the past month. He’s actually sick of it since he’d been eating it every day after practicing (his cousin, Woojin, and the couple, Kuanlin and Seonho probably are too) but it’s a very special day.

The flat is filled with various balloons, an unlit candle is prepared just right beside the dish, a small heart shaped caked is waiting in the fridge, and a single red rose is right beside him.

Daehwi’s been restless the moment he woke up that morning and he couldn’t be any more apprehensive.

It’s their fourth anniversary and Daehwi wants it to be perfect.

That morning, Jinyoung went to work earlier than the usual. But unlike the past few days when he’d leave with only a ‘bye’, he had kissed Daehwi fully on the lips and even left him one on his forehead.

“_I’ll be late today but I’ll try to come home early. Have a great day, my love.”_

Daehwi thought he was dreaming, but it felt so real. The love and moment felt so genuine that he felt his heart thumping so fast. He woke up earlier than the usual but he can honestly say that it was definitely a great start.

Not so great of a continuation though if he might say. It’s already four hours after the male’s supposed out time yet there’s still no messages nor calls from him. Daehwi prepared everything early even though he knew that Jinyoung will be late – he was _that_ excited – but he didn’t really expect the male to be _that _late.

He wanted to call Jinyoung but he reckoned he’d be busy since he did say that he was going to be late. He didn’t want to bother the older while at work too so he just settles for sending him a message.

Call me before you go home, okay?  
Love you :*  
**21:14**

If any, he can always just reheat the _Galbi_ _Jjim_ anyway so he rests his head back on the table and closes his eyes to rest for a bit. Preparing the whole day isn’t as easy as Daehwi thought it would be and he feels the exhaustion hitting him as soon as his head touches his arms.

He only realizes that he had fallen asleep when he gets woken up by the door bell ringing. He looks at the clock briefly and sees 01:03. It doesn’t really register in his brain how late it is already but he proceeds to turn on the stove, letting the dish heat up as he checks if everything is where they should be.

_Balloons, check. Food, check. Cake, check. Rose, check._

_Bae Jinyoung, check!_

Once he’s checked everything, Daehwi turns off the lights and rushes to the door. He peers at the door bell display and sees the very familiar back of his lover and in utter excitement, he quickly opens the door and beams. “My love, welcome home—“

Yet that smile fleetingly disappears as he sees another person – a brown head to be exact – pushed by Jinyoung on the wall.

The two of them kissing.

And everything, at that moment, just turns black and white.

At the sound of Daehwi’s voice, the familiar face immediately pushes Jinyoung away as the male staggers, apparently wasted, before stumbling onto the floor.

“Oh my god, Jinyoung—“

“Don’t touch him!” Daehwi says a tad too loud for his comfort, almost coming close to a scream as he ducks down and pulls Jinyoung to his arms protectively.

The man immediately flinches and recoils.

“I’m sorr—“

“Don’t, just don’t.”

“Daehwi, I need to explain—“

“Just go!” Daehwi looks at him coldly, tightening his grip on Jinyoung. He breathes heavily, trying his best to calm down even though he knows he can’t. “Leave… please!”

“Yonghee-yah, byeeeeeee!” Jinyoung says all of a sudden, a wide grin on his face as he flails his arms in the air. Yonghee looks at him then to Daehwi for a couple of times, eyes in full conflict. There was a genuine concern floating around his face and it takes him at least a full minute to come to a decision and bows, speed walking to leave after.

“Hwi! I’m baaaaaack—“ Jinyoung gags thereafter and Daehwi immediately scampers to stand up, supporting Jinyoung with his shoulders. The bathroom only takes a few steps to reach but it never felt so farther than before, causing Daehwi to almost trip a couple of times before finally reaching it.

Once Jinyoung’s reached the toilet, Daehwi kneels right beside him and caresses his back, rubbing it back and forth gently while holding the older’s fringe with his other hand.

And in the middle of it all, Daehwi suddenly feels wetness on his face. He feels droplets on his sweatpants and he realizes he’d been tearing up. He doesn’t know since when. He might have already looked proper pitiable since earlier, but he couldn’t really be bothered. He couldn’t really care at anything else at that point. The tears are blurring his vision a bit, but he continues holding Jinyoung nonetheless, breathing heavily as he wipes his eyes and nose.

“Slowly, Jinyoung. Slowly…” Daehwi whispers, watching intently as Jinyoung continues to throw up.

Once the male’s done, he suddenly falls back. Fortunately, Daehwi’s quick to catch him and he pulls Jinyoung to his lap, wiping the sweat off of his forehead and the mess around his mouth.

“Hwi-yah… I’m home…” Jinyoung mumbles, hands reaching out to Daehwi’s face but drops it anyway. “Happy anniversary…”

Only at that moment does everything register in Daehwi’s consciousness. Only at that moment does Daehwi realize what actually transpired before him.

Only upon seeing Jinyoung’s face clearly does Daehwi take the man in his arms, hugging him, holding on to him as if his life depended on him, before wholly breaking down to cry.

Daehwi feels dizzy, his vision is hazy, and he feels like throwing up himself. He isn’t the one wasted but he might as well be as how he’s feeling all things horrible all at once. It has become hard for him to breathe, feeling suffocated as he hears nothing but the sound of his voice, muffled by Jinyoung’s hair. His clothes are wet because of the bathroom floor and his muscles are hurting from carrying the weight of his love.

It isn’t just his muscles anymore if he’s being honest. At that point, everything is just so heavy and hurtful – his mind and heart – that he wants to give up.

He wants to get drunk, to forget what he saw, to forget what he heard, and to forget what he felt.

Daehwi wants to forget everything and rid himself of the pain he’s feeling because it has just become all too much to bear.

The desire to scream is so, so strong but instead he just sobs, incessant tears flowing out because he can’t do anything but cry.

The pain is just so much that he wants to claw out his heart from his chest if it means being able to stop feeling.

Yet he knows that it won’t stop so easily.

Even after what happened, Daehwi knows that he still loves Jinyoung. He loved him with his whole heart and gave everything to him, leaving nothing for himself. He cared and loved him in all ways possible, to an extent that he stayed even as he suffered so much.

To an extent that he’s left with nothing but pain and misery.

Daehwi loves Jinyoung still, he’s sure of it, but the happiness is just… gone.

Before, it only took one look at his love for him to feel so much happiness and contentment.

Yet now, every time he looks at Jinyoung, he can only feel hurt and betrayed.

He can only remember the torture of having to wake up every day not knowing where he went wrong. He can only remember the misery of letting himself be swallowed by his self-pity and believe that he lacked so much. He can only remember the pain of ignoring the fact that each day he’s walking one step closer to the end and absolute depression.

Looking at Jinyoung, Daehwi can only remember how much he had neglected himself and everything else in hopes of bringing back the same man who he first loved.

But reality hits him hard when it should and makes him realize that things cannot be undone anymore. Time cannot be turned back and one can only take so much before they succumbed to their wounds. One can only take so much before they break and become unable to take the heaviness they’ve long suffered to carry.

Daehwi didn’t think he would be reaching that certain break point wherein everything would properly be black and white – no excuses, no gray areas, no uncertainties.

Everything just became clear to him at the most unexpected moment and he’s left with no choice but to drop the weight that’s been holding him off and let everything go.

Daehwi is just done.

“J-Jinyoung-hyung, come on, let’s get you to bed.” Daehwi says in between his sniffles, bloodshot eyes a blur as he slips on his feet while trying to stand. It stings when he lands on his bum on the floor, but at that moment, physical pain just can’t compare to anything else that he immediately stands up again, pulling Jinyoung with him.

After what seems like such a long trip to the bedroom, Daehwi carefully lays Jinyoung down on the bed. He gathers a damp towel and wipes Jinyoung’s face and upper body before changing him into a pair of clean pajamas. Once he’s done, he tucks Jinyoung under the duvet and wipes his own tears.

Between quick, heavy breaths, he tries to calm himself despite the difficulty and pulls up his suitcase, gathering the important stuff he had. It doesn’t take him long, but he eventually stops when he hears Jinyoung groaning.

“Hwi…” Jinyoung calls as he sleeps – just like the usual – and Daehwi sits beside him, gently caressing his face. “I love you…”

At the sound of his voice, Daehwi breaks into tears again, immediately feeling so, so much with just three words. It’s a paradox to him how despite everything, he knows and believes that Jinyoung still loves him. Even if it isn’t exactly true anymore and he might just be misleading himself, he still wants to believe that it is indeed true.

Maybe then he can justify why he had to suffer for so long.

Maybe then he can justify the pain and hurting he had to put up with.

Maybe then it would be easier for Daehwi to accept that the love they have isn’t working anymore.

“I love you so much, Jinyoung-hyung… but…” Daehwi bites his lips, almost choking on his own tears as he sweeps off the stray hairs on Jinyoung’s forehead to give him a soft kiss. “I’m finally… letting you go.”

Love is beautiful in itself, but love alone is not enough.

It takes more than just one for a relationship to work and clearly, there’s only one thread that’s keeping theirs together.

And Daehwi would rather break it first so as to save him from finally cutting the fine line between expectation and reality. To finally do the one thing that – for the longest time – neither of them cannot do.

Most especially, Daehwi would rather break it first to avoid hearing it from Jinyoung himself.

Because until the end, he would rather believe that Jinyoung still loves him.

As he stands, he sees the tumbler he gave to Jinyoung for his birthday four years ago. Inside of it are still the white notes he wrote of the reasons why he likes Jinyoung.

_I like you because you only give me happiness._

_I like you because you make me a better person._

_I like you because you are my best friend._

There are at least a hundred white papers with different notes inside. Daehwi isn’t sure if Jinyoung even knows it, but there’s actually a single red note amongst the lot. He pulls it out and opens it, reading the words he wrote.

_I love you because you are Bae Jinyoung. _

Daehwi smiles, remembering the time when he contemplated about writing it down, but looking at it now, he doesn’t really regret it, because it’s true. Everything he wrote in the tumbler was all true.

And it’s also true that it’s the reason why he’s broken now.

A part of him is whispering for him to stop and rethink things through as he goes around the whole flat, making sure that the stove is off and that everything is clean. He cleans up all of the surprise preparations he did – throwing the balloons, candle, and cake away – but puts the single red rose in a clear vase right at the center of the dining table where he puts down the pen he was holding and the red note from the tumbler.

Daehwi breathes in heavily and looks at their flat one last time, reminiscing all the memories that they’ve made and shared. From the happy days even to the unpleasant ones, they were all lovely and will forever be etched in his heart. They were like dreams which he can only imagine ever experiencing in a lifetime.

Daehwi felt genuine love.

But it was a love that was not meant to stay.

Slipping off his engagement ring, Daehwi gives it one last look and contemplates taking it with him. But when he thinks of it more, it really doesn’t matter whether he takes it or not because in the end, everything’s done.

From the happiness to sadness, from the start until the end, Daehwi knows that no matter what happens, he will never stop loving Jinyoung.

And Jinyoung, in turn, will never _not_ break him.

_I loved you because you are Bae Jinyoung._

**Author's Note:**

> ALL CHAPTERS ARE UNBETAED!  
If there are any wrong information I used here, please do let me know!  
English is not my first language so you will most likely see a LOT of tense and grammar mistakes.  
Please forgive me for those.  
If you liked this story, thank you!  
If you don't, come fite me (ง •̀_•́)ง
> 
> Rant and shout at me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/MeongJinHwi)  
I don't bite.


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